rsadelle | Gender and the Hockey Player Relationship Social Contract: So Many Questions

Something I've been thinking about off and on is how the NHL will/would change as a social organization if there were (a) female players with male partners or (b) male players in relationships with men. I mean, I already have a lot of questions about what life must be like for players' wives and girlfriends (imagine how incredibly lonely Sylvie Briere must have been when they moved to Philly), but how would that change if the partners included men? Note: I am talking here about public relationships; I assume there's at least a player or two with a male partner and they're just not out.

First of all, if you follow any of the Tumblrs dedicated to pictures of hockey wives and girlfriends, you'll eventually notice most of the women fit a very similar type: white, conventionally attractive, traditionally feminine, long hair, lots of blondes. (I expect you'd find the same pattern in the female partners of any group of rich, white men between the ages of 18 and 30.) But when there are out gay/bi players in relationships with men, or straight/bi female players in relationships with men, are their partners going to fit a specific type? Or is there a wider range of socially accepted attractiveness for men?

Secondly, I'm interested in what the day-to-day lives of male hockey player partners would look like. I ran across this post where someone who claims to have dated a hockey player talks about hockey wives and girlfriends not having jobs outside the home:

But I honestly don’t know 1 guy who wants their gf to have a career. The guys are gone most of the time and when they are home, they want full undivided attention. If you work a 9 to 5 job, you are only going to see your guy maybe 2 nights a week when he is at home but there isn’t a game. The girl keeps him organized, buys presents for family members bday, goes grocery shopping, sometimes does laundry, sometimes cleans (depends on arrangement) and cooks or provides food for him to eat. When u are both there, your job is to be there for him physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually. The time you have for yourself is when he is away, then u can make phone calls home, hang with the girls etc. if a girl can agree to this, then in most cases he is ok with spending the $. This was one of the hardest things for me. When I was with my ex, my own life stopped. I put off semesters of going to my dream school so I could follow him around and be with him. My personal life was suffering. My friends were living it up in college and I felt like a housewife. Eventually I had to end it (for other reasons as well) because being strong and independent was more important to me than it was him.

In some ways, I find this to be a disturbing look into the gender roles of extremely privileged people. (Uh, let's be clear: I'm not condemning women who agree to this life. If I had a partner with a job she loved that paid her an outrageous amount of money, there's no way in hell I would have a day job. What I find disturbing is both the expectation that this is the only option and the part where "your job is to be there for him physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually." What if you need him to be there for you? Or you don't want to have sex when he does?) In other ways, I find it to be a fascinating look into the lives of hockey player relationships. And again, my question is: what happens when those partners are men? Does this pattern still apply? Does it apply if the male partners are partnered to men but not to women? Will the wider cultural expectation that men must be independent outweigh the hockey culture expectation that a player's partner's most important job is to support the player?

Thirdly, what happens to the charitable auxiliary arms of NHL teams when there are male partners involved? The Flyers' large public event/charity fundraiser is the Carnival, also known as the Flyers Wives Carnival, technically the Flyers Wives Fight For Lives Carnival, put on by the Flyers Wives Charities. Several teams have fashion show fundraisers where the players' partners are the models for the fashion shows. What happens when some of those partners are men? Does the Flyers Wives Charities (which is already inaccurately named given how many players have partners they're not technically married to) change its name? Do the male partners model men's fashions on the charity runways? How do male partners feel about being the charitable auxiliary? What's it like for the women to suddenly have a man as part of their group? How does that change the group dynamics?

I find all this interesting as a thought exercise, but I also want to see (more - there are at least a couple of stories that somewhat touch on it) fic that tackles this issue. If Tyler Brown stops playing hockey and becomes Tyler Seguin's househusband, does he arrange every part of his life around being available for Segs when he's home? How does he feel about that? Does it cause friction in their relationship? If a male player has a male partner who's never been part of the hockey world before, how does this system work for them? Does the fact that they're an out gay couple complicate it? If there are female players with male partners, how does this work for them? Do their partners resent this arrangement, or do they find partners who see supporting their partner and her success as more important than asserting their independence as men? These are the kinds of questions I keep thinking about.

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ninja-orange.livejournal.com

I have a LOT of thoughts about this and should be doing my pset so I don't think I can get into all of them in depth, but my first thought is it seems like some girlfriends don't totally fit this model so there must be some flexibility. Danny Briere was/is dating a woman in the armed forces I believe, and Richie and...Gags I think were/are dating women who are in med school. I'm sure they make time for their boyfriends, but those are both obviously important commitments and not just time commitments, but part of a huge life outside of hockey and "being there for him"

That said, most of the girlfriends/wives I hear about are mostly not career women even if they have day jobs as pilates instructors or whatever, so I'm sure that poster has a point.

If a male partner came into the picture, I'm sure it would depend on the group of wives/girlfriends. I can imagine a few scenarios - a sincere and conscious effort to welcome them, a fake effort to welcome them with a lot of talk behind his back or that kind of social manipulation that goes on when a group tries to oust someone without being explicitly allowed to do so, and I can also see a male partner trying to stay out of the team events as much as possible either for his own sake or because the teammember doesn't want it to be more public than it has to be.

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Disagreeing with fandom since 1999.

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