Not the fat girl (anymore)
Jun. 24th, 2007 08:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rsadelleThis is the third in an occasional series.
In December, I bought new jeans in a size 12. Then I read an article about a magazine for plus size which told me that plus size is size 14 and above, and that the average US woman is 5'4" and wears a size 12. And then I went to a party/swap meet with people from my belly dance class. Two of the other women who were there are about my age, and when I look at them, I see as just two normal women. As we were passing clothes around to try on, I found out that they both wear a size 12.
And that was when I had something of an identity crisis.
I've been the fat girl for a long time; that was part of my identity, part of what made me who I am.
And now I'm not.
I didn't realize it until I found out that I was wearing the same size of those two women at that party. When I looked in the mirror, I just saw the same fat girl I'd always been.
I went to Rakkasah with some women from my belly dance class, and there was something about watching all these different women dance that made me feel really good about myself. We all came to our next class dressed up in things we'd bought. I didn't recognize myself in the mirror. I still sometimes catch a glance of myself in the mirror during class and have that moment of wondering who that woman is before I realize it's me.
I find that I'm self-conscious of my body now, in ways I never was before. I think it's related to what I said before: when you're fat, you're invisible, and now that I'm not, the world sees me. I keep thinking people are going to look down on me and judge me for buying cake or ice cream or walking into the Gap, even though no one ever did that to me before. People do comment, though, about how much weight I've lost - coworkers, friends of my mom's, people from my yoga class. And I'm still caught between liking that they've noticed me and being so angry and dismayed that weight loss is seen as such an important and desirable goal for women.
In December, I bought new jeans in a size 12. Then I read an article about a magazine for plus size which told me that plus size is size 14 and above, and that the average US woman is 5'4" and wears a size 12. And then I went to a party/swap meet with people from my belly dance class. Two of the other women who were there are about my age, and when I look at them, I see as just two normal women. As we were passing clothes around to try on, I found out that they both wear a size 12.
And that was when I had something of an identity crisis.
I've been the fat girl for a long time; that was part of my identity, part of what made me who I am.
And now I'm not.
I didn't realize it until I found out that I was wearing the same size of those two women at that party. When I looked in the mirror, I just saw the same fat girl I'd always been.
I went to Rakkasah with some women from my belly dance class, and there was something about watching all these different women dance that made me feel really good about myself. We all came to our next class dressed up in things we'd bought. I didn't recognize myself in the mirror. I still sometimes catch a glance of myself in the mirror during class and have that moment of wondering who that woman is before I realize it's me.
I find that I'm self-conscious of my body now, in ways I never was before. I think it's related to what I said before: when you're fat, you're invisible, and now that I'm not, the world sees me. I keep thinking people are going to look down on me and judge me for buying cake or ice cream or walking into the Gap, even though no one ever did that to me before. People do comment, though, about how much weight I've lost - coworkers, friends of my mom's, people from my yoga class. And I'm still caught between liking that they've noticed me and being so angry and dismayed that weight loss is seen as such an important and desirable goal for women.