Weight loss, guilt, and the first jeans I've owned in seven years. (An Entry More Personal Than Poli

[rsadelle]

This is something of a follow-up to The law of unintended consequences, bra shopping, and the big fat revolution. (A Personal-Political Entry), although you don't need to read that for this to make sense.

I went to the doctor on Thursday. Normally this would be a non-event, but I don't own a scale, so this was my only chance to put a number--21--to my unintentional weight loss.

I've never had so many people say nice things to me as I have in the last couple of months. New Friend A keeps telling me I'm cute; fuseji said, "You wear little girl shoes. That's so adorable!"; and my jeans--and how good I looked in them--were the topic of conversation at work yesterday. I'm basking in the compliments. It feels so good to have people say nice things to me. I've spent so much time trying not to be noticed, and now that I'm not hiding, I loved being the center of attention yesterday.

But.

New Friend A, who I've talked to about how much I dislike it when people say, "You look great! Have you lost weight?" said, "I didn't realize how thin you are." Coworker M said, "I can't get over how you look in those jeans. You could do an infomercial." Cousin M asked, "Have you lost weight? You look really small today," at family dinner night last week.

I find these conversations uncomfortable. I feel compelled to tell people that I lost weight by accident, that I started eating better and exercising because I felt like crap when I didn't, not because I wanted to lose weight. I feel guilty, as if my weight loss is a betrayal of my principles.

I've been losing weight for about eight months. This summer, I finally, after four years of yoga, was able to do full sarvangasana, the shoulder stand. I've been belly dancing for ten months, and I've gotten good enough that my teacher has started asking when I'm going to perform with the troupe. Losing weight is not the accomplishment of my body that I'm proud of. I'm proud of myself for getting strong enough for shoulder stand. I'm proud of myself for my commitment to belly dance. I'm proud of myself for not giving up on exercising regularly, even if I haven't quite made my chore chart goals for most of the summer. I'm proud of myself for being intentional about what I eat instead of eating candy all the time just because it's there. I'm proud of myself for listening to and taking care of and continuing to love my own body.

Comments

[haleth.livejournal.com]

I am going to comment on this later! I hope I don't forget. Poke me if I do.

[haleth.livejournal.com]

I've spent so much time trying not to be noticed, and now that I'm not hiding

I think this is why you are getting compliments now: you're not hiding from them. You mentioned a lot of ways you're taking care of yourself now that you didn't used to do. I'd expect that either you feel better about yourself because you're taking care of yourself, or you're taking care of yourself because you feel better about yourself. Either way it shows (I know T has noticed that you're more confident), and people will respond to that.

About the weight loss - people will notice. Unless they're being really obnoxious about how great it is that you've lost weight like there was something wrong with you for having had the weight to begin with :-P, I might take it more to mean something like, "I'm paying attention to you, and I noticed a change, and I want you to know I care enough to be paying attention to you so I'm going to remark on the change." Hmm. There's also a tendency to think that if someone loses weight it's because they wanted to and were working really hard to manage it, and it seems rude not to acknowledge the effort. It doesn't mean _they_ think it's an improvement, just that they want to honor what they assume is a cause for some happiness or pride on your part. There's probably a way to thank them for that while pointing out you weren't really trying to lose weight and you don't think much of the idea that a person must be thin to be beautiful, without offending anyone. I don't know what it is, though. :-D

[haleth.livejournal.com]

I don't know what it is, though.

Having just reread that other post, I see you don't know what it is, either.

I think I wouldn't worry about offending people on this topic, anyway. What's wrong with challenging their thinking a bit?

[rsadelle]

No, I don't!

But how do I challenge their thinking without damaging my relationship with them?

[haleth.livejournal.com]

I was going to say, I don't know. The fact is, I think I must not worry about it too much. If I'm not too invested in a particular person's opinion, if I don't know them well and don't think I ever will (or if I just really dislike them but must suffer in their company anyway, but I'm not working so that doesn't happen to me now, yay) I wouldn't bother explaining. Nod, smile, move on - it's not worth my energy for someone who isn't really going to listen and try to understand. But when a topic I care about comes up with someone whose opinion I do value, I will say what I think even if I think they won't agree, and generally they can at least respect my opinion. We might discuss it a bit, might understand each other's position better, might agree to disagree, but it doesn't usually end up in a huge friendship-ending war or anything.... hmm when I was 26 it might have, though. I must have learned something in 10 years. But! you have better social skills than I do, so you should manage all right.

Mmm yeah, way to be reassuring, right. Heh. Sorry!

Hmm. I don't know, ask them questions? "Do you think I look better than I did before? Why?" You can ask them why questions, let them challenge their own thinking. I don't know. I think it's a hard topic because it's so ingrained. People don't think about it much. I don't think you have to get all militantly political with them about it, just make them aware that it's something they _could_ think about instead of going along with what they've grown up assuming is true because the culture tells them so.

[rsadelle]

Thank you for reminding me that confidence is what's really attractive. I'm not used to thinking about myself that way, which is part of why this is all so new to me.

You're really good at assuming positive intent; thank you for reminding me of that too. And I do appreciate the fact that noticing means they're paying attention to me.

[allegram.livejournal.com]

I dunno if you wanna read this, I'm babbeling, and not terribly helpful, but I"m gonna post it anyway because, well I dunno, but I left it sitting open for a while trying to decide (early morning sleepy posts aren't terribly coherent) and despite the bad analogies and rambling I thought I'd leave it... (my god longest, worst sentence ever!)

Confidence yes, also your personal satifaction with your own strength and abilities radiates, and since individuals probably haven't seen you doing a shoulder stand, they're going to assume that satisfaction is connected to the physical change they can see...
You know, I was just reminded of another friend of mine who had a similar accidental weight-loss thing. Essentially she moved out got a job and had extra time and started excercizing and cooking for herself, etc and as a result lost a lot of weight (we're talking like 80 pounds). She told me it was really wierd/frustrating for her, becuse it hadn't been a goal for her so she didn't think to mention it to people she hadn't seen in a while, and then it seemed like all they could talk about, instead of the things she cared about and did want to talk about (like getting her teaching credential, and living on her own, etc). What I mentioned to her was that (as said above) because for most people this is a goal and accomplishment people feel the need to validate you for it, recognize that you've been working hard (and you have, just not with that goal in mind...). But also most of these comments are for them, as they re-adjust a mental picture, people who are surprised by my cussing, or when I cut my hair, would harp on about it, bring it up in conversation again and again, I think to get a feel also for how you feel about it and thus in what way they should adjust their mental pictures... Seriously I cut my hair in April and people keep commenting on it (like my walking buddy who I see at least 3 times a week), and they tell me they like it short, blah, blah, but I feel it's mostly about reminding themselves that I no longer fit a previous mental template (I do it with my sisters' ages all the time, my brain assumes they're as old as they've always been...and then, omg how can she be that old and tall?!). And just because they're commenting on how good my hair looks short, doesn't mean they thought it looked awful long, just that they feel the need to comment on something they recognize as a change. And then of course there are just regular old compliments (you may just look nice that day...).

Basically I don't think you should need to explain, or if you do feel you need to just let them know how you feel about the changes and how important they are to you...
"You lose weight?" --> "Some, a side effect of that yoga I've been doing" (says: you are correct, but it's not a big deal, let's talk about yoga!)
"You look great in those jeans" --> "Thanks, I like them too/I wasn't sure about them but they make me feel X/Really? Wanna squeeze my toosh?" (No, wait, where'd that one come from?! You hussy you!)