Wishing For: (Positive) Attention

[rsadelle]

You may remember that one of my intentions for this year was some sort of spiritual refreshment. I want to be able to talk about that, and also it's an area where I feel very sensitive and vulnerable, and where it would be really easy for other people to unintentionally hurt my feelings. There are two things I want out of talking about it: (a) the opportunity to talk it out and (b) nonjudgmental listening. So first of all, I'm posting to LJ instead of emailing people about it because if no one responds to my LJ post I won't be upset where I would feel ignored if no one responded to that kind of email. Secondly, I'm going to change my usual if you write a comment I will reply to it approach to comments for these kinds of posts. If you want to empathize, ask questions, tell me about your experience, acknowledge the reality of my feelings, that would be awesome and I would love to have conversations with you! If your comment tells me I'm wrong about what I think or feel about my own experience or tells me what I should do when I haven't asked for advice, I'm not going to reply to it. That might seem like a lot of verbiage, but I think I need to be clear about my expectations and boundaries around this.

In a case of when the student is ready the teacher will appear (or the student will notice the teacher, since I have read one of her previous books), I followed a link to Danielle LaPorte's website, read almost all of her posts, and then bought her most recent book, The Desire Map: A Guide to Creating Goals with Soul (I promise I'll make a post about the book itself when I'm done with it). I've read my way through the theory part, and am just started in on the desire mapping process/workbook part of the book. (Note: she has a whole book club associated with the book; if anyone else wants to also read it and do an online book club, I would totally be into that.) The basic premise of the book is that you figure out how you want to feel (what she calls your core desired feelings) and then build goals that will help you feel that way.

The workbook section of the book starts with what she calls "soul limber": a bunch of prompts designed to "loosen some of the calcification from your intellect and get you closer to your heart." The first one is, "I crave," and I wrote down "ATTENTION." I then spent the next few days getting the weirdest feedback on fic, which reminded me that sometimes when you ask the universe for something, you get it. So then I started thinking very loudly, "Okay, universe, when I said 'attention,' what I really meant was 'positive attention.'"

Maybe a month or so ago, I was doing yoga, and I thought to myself, "All I want is for someone to pay attention and listen to me," and then burst into tears because it's such a fierce wish, and such a deep one. (Also in my list for the "I crave" prompt: "to be heard.") I have a hard time untangling how much of that is a response to junior high trauma and how much of it is a basic human wish to be seen and heard. I listened to this interview with Danielle about desire mapping, and she talks about how some people look at how they want to feel and say that it comes from a wound, and her response to that is, "So what?" Even if it comes from a wounded place, it's still something you genuinely want to feel. I really like that framing, and particularly the way it says it's okay to want to feel however you want to feel.

So back to wanting attention. There's an episode of The Simpsons where Bart jumps around the room saying, "Pay attention to me!" I think it's supposed to be a joke about his attention-seeking behavior and how he can't stand for Lisa to be the center of attention even once, but I think about that scene a lot because I feel that way a lot. My want for attention often feels needy, greedy, and desperate. (Which is probably related to the cultural idea that attention-seeking is a bad thing, which means that wanting attention that much is also bad. Or maybe there's something there where I don't quite feel worthy of more of it.) I really like Gretchen Rubin's happiness commandment of "spend out," and that's what I've been trying to do: when I'm feeling ignored or not paid attention to, I spend out by paying attention to other people, or when I'm feeling not exactly unloved but not as loved as I want to in the moment, I spend out by sending someone else a love note (emailed or on paper). What's harder is to ask for attention. I've done it sometimes, mostly on Twitter, but I try to save it for those times when I'm having a really bad day and really, really need the support. I don't know if this a good strategy in that it does get me some attention when I'm feeling icky or a not good enough one in that I could get that need for attention filled more often if I just asked for it. The scary part is: what if I ask for it and no one gives it to me?

Comments

[ninja-orange.livejournal.com]

It's definitely an okay thing to want attention, but I agree it can be tough to feel comfortable asking for it and knowing where to get it. I struggle with feeling ignored more IRL than online. I think part of that is just the unfortunate byproduct of not living very close to my friends and being friends with a lot of busy people I haven't seen in a long time but it's hard not to take personally.

I'm definitely interested in hearing more about the book when you finish!

[rsadelle]

♥ I really appreciate the validation. It is so hard to ask for it. I completely understand that not living near your friends thing - all of my friends live far away, and it's harder to keep up with the ones who aren't fannish/internet people. I think it's easier for me to feel less ignored IRL just because I'm so used to it - I moved all the way across the country to go to college and then moved back afterwards, so I've lived away from at least some of my friends for my whole adult life. But it's definitely hard to not take that personally when you don't get the time you want with your friends.

I will definitely talk more about the book later! I kind of got stuck because the soul limber exercise brought up so much stuff for me that I haven't felt ready to move on to the next part yet.

[eleanor-lavish.livejournal.com]

The scary part is: what if I ask for it and no one gives it to me?

That is very very much the scary part. And you're not the only one who struggles with it.

And as a person who did NOT reply when you put this out via email, I am sorry for that! This is an area I am... not comfortable with. I'm not comfortable with a LOT of self-examination, and I'm impressed all the time by your ability to put this sort of thing out there, to go deeper, to ask hard questions of yourself and do WORK (real work!) on changing things about yourself, or actively accepting other parts. I think I... don't always want to do that work, because it will be HARD and I might be very bad at it, and I don't like being bad at things. |O?

What is the best way to be in the Ruth Fandom, to give you what you crave?

[rsadelle]

♥ I really appreciate the validation.

Awww, it's okay! I didn't really expect a response to that email. (And, really, I only meant to send the resistance part, and then I just started talking and there was more of it.) Being bad at things is so hard. *hugs* One of the things you've done consistently for me that I love and find so helpful is to reflect this kind of thing back at me in this really positive light. This entry was scary to post because it feels so raw, and here you are reminding me that I have the ability to be this vulnerable and to do this kind of inner work. It's awesome and it does make me feel seen and loved. (And reminds me that how I see myself, how other people see me, and how I think other people see me are different things.) One of the other soul limber prompts is "This brings me alive, enlivens me, reminds me of who I am," and one of the things on my list was "positive reflections from others." This is exactly the kind of thing I was thinking about.

I've been staring at this comment for a while now because I want to tell you what the best way to give me what I crave is, and I don't want to sound desperate about it. (Which is the whole worry, isn't it?) What would be really great for me would be for you (or anyone!) to respond to things. It doesn't have to be all the time. It doesn't have to be big. But when someone responds to something I've said - even if it's just liking a tweet/Facebook post/Tumblr commentary - then I feel noticed. Even an occasional "I have nothing to say about this, but I'm reading" comment or email or whatever would be awesome. I think I might have emailed you at the time, but I'll say it again anyway: that time you had a whole Tylers plot bunny even though you aren't really in hockey fandom was so good to me because it meant you'd been paying attention even though it wasn't your thing. And now I'm going to hit post before this seems like too much to ask for or say and I rewrite the whole thing.

[eleanor-lavish.livejournal.com]

Those are things I can do, yay!

And it's something that I mean to be better at not just with you, but with all the things. I am on too much social media now, and I'm accessing it in too many places - when it was just "at my desk or on my couch, check LJ and read fic" I was good at commenting in real time on things that were meaningful to me. With twitter/tumblr/reading AO3 things on my kindle/checking everything on my phone its way more scattered, so even when I think "I have something to say about that!" I am often reading it on twitter on the bus, or via email but underground on the subway, and I think "I'll remember to do this later" and then I... don't.

<3

[rsadelle]

♥ ♥ ♥

It is hard to remember to go back to those things - especially when we have so many ways to interact.

[dine.livejournal.com]

you're incredibly brave to put everything out there - that takes a lot of courage, and I admire you for that! also, for stopping to look deeply at what you want/need and how best to get there.

I think it can be hard to ask for attention, because we're generally socialized against that (esp. as women), but it's a very understandable and human thing; congrats again on being strong and upfront and able to pursue the things you need

[rsadelle]

♥ Thank you for the validation! And for the reminder that this is also about me being brave, not just feeling needy.

It's so hard to ask for it! That's a good point about us as women being more socialized against it.

I was going to send you an email, but since we're here and it relates: thank you so much for the card! Here I've been thinking at the universe about how I want positive attention, and then I opened my mail and there that was. I so appreciate how supportive you are of my writing and in general. ♥

[sleepherealone.livejournal.com]

Even though this post is so intensely personal to you, it speaks a lot to me as well and I'm glad you made it. It came from a different kind of wound than yours, but I was made to feel like desiring a normal amount of attention was asking for far too much and it's had such far-reaching effects on the way I view it because I'll still feel like seeking the same amount of attention most of my friends want and get is unreasonable, and I feel you on asking for it and what if nobody gives it to you because I'd rather not ask and not get hurt by the confirmation that people don't want to give me positive attention. I don't do it for as conscious of reasons as you, but I spend out too, mainly because I don't want other people to feel ignored or not heard like I am sometimes, though I don't do it with the expectation that people are going to fulfill it because I'm doing it for them either. I hope you progress on this journey and report back, because I'd love to hear more about this from your perspective!

[rsadelle]

♥ It is so hard to counter that idea that wanting attention is asking for too much, isn't it? That idea that I don't want other people to feel ignored or not heard is a good way of describing how I treat a lot of interactions (and why my usual approach to comments is to reply to all of them). I don't approach spending out as a definite way to get attention or love returned to me (although that also often happens), but as a way to stop dwelling on how I feel icky and spread some cheer to someone else, which both makes me feel better and reminds me that I have some really awesome people in my life.

Everyone who's commented has been so wonderful and supportive, so I will definitely keep reporting in.