Where were you?

I have this vision of aging metalheads sometime in the future sitting around and saying to each other, "Where were you when you found out that Jason Newsted was leaving Metallica?" Maybe it'll never happen; maybe it doesn't have that sort of impact, but it's nonetheless an even that will forever shape my current favorite fandom.

I was reading their statements, and then skimming the official message boards in which people speculate that this is why Jason looked so rough at the VH1 My Music Awards, and I was struck with a thought. Sometimes you get those thoughts that you know are true without having anything to back it up. Before you panic, this is not one of those thoughts. I had the thought, "What if he's dying?" As MTV diplomatically put it, Jason's statement alludes to the physical hardship of touring. The statement itself says that his leaving is the best thing, personally and professionally, that he's done too much physical damage to his body and that this is the best thing for his family. The bit about his family seems like a non sequitor, especially in light of the fact that he's not married and doesn't have kids (although--who knows?--maybe Rachel's pregnant).

As you can imagine, thinking about this, and how the other three might react when (in a fictional world) he tells them he's dying, made it somewhat difficult to concentrate on Professor Plante's lecture on Euclid's Elements this afternoon. Because I don't want to write a whole story about it, and I'm not sure I could, the bit I was writing in my head on my way to class is going here.

"I'm dying." He watched the shock flicker across their faces and start to deepen into understanding. "There's nothing the doctor's can do about it. I'm going to die." He looked up and met James' eyes for a moment, then Lars'. "I'm leaving Metallica."

"No."

"James--"

"No! You can't do that. You can't leave us."

"James, I don't have a choice. I'm going to die. I can't do this," he waved an arm at the instruments and CDs lying around the room, "anymore. My family needs me."

"We need you," Kirk said quietly.

"I know that. And I love and need you, too. All of you." He swept his glance from Kirk to Lars to James and back to Kirk. "You can come visit me, and I'll come see you, but I can't do this anymore."

"Shit," Lars muttered. "Metallica's fucked."

"Metallica's not fucked," Jason said. "I've been keeping my eye on bassists. I have some suggestions. Just don't do the same shit to whoever you choose that you did to me." He rubbed the bridge of his nose tiredly. "I'm going to go spend some time with my folks, and then I'll be back in my house."

"No," James growled. "Why can't they come here?"

Jason sighed. "Because they need me to be there. I need to be there." He stepped toward James. "When your mother was dying, when Virgil was dying, didn't you spend as much time as you could with them? Didn't you?"

"Yes," James admitted sullenly.

"That's what I need to do. I can't do this without my mom." He put a hand on James' arm. "I know you have a difficult relationship with your family, but I need my family around me."

"We're your family too," James insisted.

"I know that. I need you three too, but I'm coming back. I just need some time alone with my family first."

"How long?" Lars asked. "How long have you known?"

Jason didn't answer.

"How fucking long have you known this?"

"Since April."

Lars gaped at him. "April? And you didn't tell us? You fucker."

"Why didn't you tell us?" James asked, blinking back the tears that were threatening to form. "We could've spent more time together, not gone on tour, something."

"I wanted things to be normal. I wanted one last tour without anyone knowing anything about it." Jason looked down. "I wanted you to have that memory of me, too."

James put his arms around Jason and gripped him tight. "We can't-- How can we do this without you?"

Jason stroked his back gently. "You can. You will. You'll figure it out. I'm sure Lars is already planning what the press release is going to say. Aren't you?"

Lars started guiltily.

Jason chuckled. "I knew you would be." He held out an arm to Kirk. "And Kirk's good at dealing with this kind of shit." He hugged Kirk to him and pressed his cheek against James' hair. "They'll help you through this, and you're going to help them." He pulled back and looked James in the eye. "I mean that. None of the stupid macho bullshit you three did when Cliff died. I'll come back and haunt you if you do that."

Lars glared from his place on the couch. "How can you be so fucking casual about this?"

"I've had some time to deal with this." Jason let go of Kirk and James and sat next to Lars. "Please don't be angry. I need the three of you to help me through this, and I'll do as much as I can to help you, too."

Lars launched himself at Jason, who was content to let himself be hugged nearly to the point of breathlessness.

I was at my computer, checking my e-mail one last time before going to class when I read that Jason Newsted was leaving Metallica. Where were you?

Accompanying montage