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rsadellePart 1
"Spike told me he's been seeing you," Xander said to Willow over lunch one day.
She nodded. "I thought he might."
"He seems better." Xander toyed with a fry.
"Xander," Willow said, "is there something you want to talk about?"
"Did we screw him up more by taking him to Sue?"
"You're not responsible for the way Spike is," Willow said carefully, "but we can't keep enabling him."
Xander dropped the fry back onto his plate. "I thought it would help both of them."
Willow grabbed his hand and squeezed it between both of hers. "I know you wanted to help. I did too. I think it did help her. Spike needs to learn new relationship patterns."
Xander grinned. "You're such a therapist."
Willow grinned back. "You can't see a window being broken without planning half a dozen ways to make it better when you fix it."
"Guilty as charged." Xander dipped a fry into his ketchup and diverted the conversational stream into a different direction.
***
Spike seemed to be getting so much better, and then he seemed worse, tense and irritable and constantly flicking his lighter.
Xander teamed up with him for patrol, played bait, and let Spike work out some his nervous energy toying with fledges and minions who didn't know better than to mess with one of the Slayer's gang.
"Witch thinks I should talk to the Poof," Spike finally said, flipping his lighter into the air and catching it again and again.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah." Spike dusted a vamp coming their way, almost as an afterthought. "Thinks it'd be good for me."
They walked a little farther into the cemetery.
"I've never really talked to my dad," Xander eventually offered, "but then he's not seeking redemption and making a life out of fighting evil."
"Red said we should invite him up, to her office. Said she'd mediate."
"Sounds practical. It should keep you from killing each other."
"Yeah." Spike kicked at a tombstone, knocking it over into the one next to it. "If I decide to do it." Spike kicked another tombstone, one more firmly rooted to the ground. "Would you be there too?" he finally asked in a rush.
"Yeah," Xander said, surprised, "of course I will."
***
Xander had never been to Willow's actual office before. It was nice, comfy. Two couches and a couple of cushy chairs in a loose circle with a cheap desk in the corner. Xander made a mental note to look for wood for a new desk; it was never too early to start planning for birthdays and other gift giving occasions.
Spike took a couch, and Xander sat next to him. Willow took one of the chairs, and when Angel showed up, he took the other one.
"We're here," Willow said, "because Spike is ready to talk to you, Angel. Spike, would you like to begin?"
Spike refused to look at any of them. "No," he said sullenly.
Willow nodded as if she were unsurprised. "Angel, how about you? Would you like to start?"
Angel looked uncomfortable. "The last time we saw each other," he finally said, "you were ordering Marcus to stick hot pokers in me."
"There was a time you would've appreciated a nice bit of torture," Spike sulked back.
"I've changed, Spike." Angel's tone made the unsaid "and you haven't" completely clear.
"Some change. Got yourself cursed by a meal's family, moped around a bit, and then--" Spike snapped his mouth shut on whatever else he was going to say.
"And then what?" Willow prompted him.
"And then the great sodding poof decided he was better off without his evil, unsouled family dragging him down."
"Can you tell Angel how that made you feel?"
Spike snarled at her, fangs and demon eyes and all. She didn't flinch; Xander felt his heart beat a little faster.
"You agreed to this," Willow reminded him. "If you've changed your mind, we can send Angel and Xander home and we'll have our usual session."
Spike didn't exactly relax, but he at least dropped the grrr look.
"You left me to take care of Dru all alone," Spike said directly to Angel. "Loved her, and she loved me, but she always wanted her daddy back."
"I'd think you'd have been happy to have her all to yourself."
"I never had her all to myself, not really. You were always there. And she was crazier than a loon." Spike suddenly looked just tired. "You left me with a crazy woman and no help but for whatever minions I could find time to create and train. Were supposed to be a family."
"That why you brought the boy?" Angel asked.
"The boy," Spike said, "is more of a man than either of us. Decided what he wanted out of life, and went out to get it. And then he came back to his family."
As far as Xander knew, that was the nicest thing Spike had ever said about him.
"Right," Angel said. "I'm supposed to live up to the example of Xander Harris."
"Hey," Xander said, "this whole thing," with a gesture between Spike and Angel, "is not about me."
"No." Spike turned on him fiercely. "It is about you. You left, but you kept in touch. You came back. You've been good to me."
"There is a reason you're here," Willow said to Xander when he was too tongue-tied to say anything.
"Yeah," he finally managed, "moral support."
"More than that," Spike muttered. "Family now," he admitted when Xander shot him a questioning look. The saying of nice things was starting to weird Xander out.
"Okay," Xander said when he'd recovered. "Maybe this is a little bit about me. But I thought it was mostly about Deadboy."
"Actually about me," Spike reminded them. "And about how the Poof stopped caring when he got his soul."
"I never said I stopped caring," Angel said.
"Yeah, that was real convincing," Spike sneered back at him. "You left."
"I couldn't stay," Angel said. "I couldn't be a part of that anymore."
"A part of us, you mean."
Angel sighed heavily. "Fine," he said. "I couldn't be a part of you anymore."
"I knew it," but Spike's triumph was weak. He looked more sad than anything else.
"I'm sorry," Angel said after a long silence.
"Yeah, well, it's not like I care anyway," Spike said.
"Spike," Willow admonished, "we have an agreement. Here, in this room, you tell the truth. You can refuse to discuss something, but you may not lie."
"Fine," he said. "I'm not talking about this."
"Fine," Angel echoed.
The timer on Willow's desk beeped. "I'm afraid our time is up," she said while she made it stop.
"That's it?" Xander asked. "The buzzer goes off, and, bzzt! it's all over?"
"Limits are important," Willow said gently. And then, more briskly, "Angel, I'd like you to stay for a minute." She put her notebook down and stood to hug Xander and then Spike. "I'll see you next week," she said to Spike.
"Bloody poof," Spike said once they were back on the street in front of Willow's office. He glanced at Xander. "Going to kill things."
"Yeah," Xander said to Spike's retreating back. "I'll get home fine. Thanks for asking." And he did get home fine. No vampires in sight.
***
Spike was waiting for him when he got home from work the next day.
"Not trying to take care of you," Spike said quickly, before Xander could object to the food cooking on his stove. "Just a thank-you like. For yesterday."
Xander got himself all the way into the apartment. "Do I have time for a shower?"
Spike eyed the food. "Yeah."
The food was good. "Thanks," Xander said when they were done. "You didn't have to do this."
Spike shrugged off his appreciation and made him do the dishes himself.
***
"I rearranged my schedule," Willow said when she caught him on his lunch break the next day.
Xander tucked the phone more firmly against his shoulder and leaned back in his chair. "Yeah?"
"I can fit you in at four."
That made him sit up straight.
"Xander." Willow's voice was soft and understanding in his ear. "You don't have to."
"I'll be there," he promised, and he kept his promises.
***
"Shouldn't I be lying on the couch?" he tried to joke.
"You can if you want." Willow took the chair at one end of the couch, so Xander decided she probably meant it and lay down with his head toward her.
"This is kind of weird."
"The situation or the angle?"
"A little of both, actually." Xander tucked one arm under his head and twisted a little to look up at Willow. "The other day was weird."
"How was it weird?"
And, okay, maybe he could do this. It wasn't that weird, after all. Just like talking to Willow. Only somewhere else.
"I mean, I know how Spike is," a little half smile that crooked up one side of his mouth, "but I didn't realize he was so angry with Angel for going off on his own after the whole curse thing."
They sat in silence for a while, until Xander spoke again. "Aren't you supposed to ask me how that makes me feel or what that has to do with my mother?"
"I don't have an agenda here." Friend-Willow might have touched him then, but this was Therapist-Willow, and there were boundaries that came with that. "This is your session."
"He made me dinner last night. To thank me for the other day." He fidgeted for a minute. "He did make me do my own dishes."
"How did that make you feel?" Willow asked.
He grinned up at her. "Good," he said. "Even having to clean up. It was nice." He almost reached out to take her hand, but he remembered the boundaries issue. "Spike's actually a standup guy. You know, for not actually being a living, breathing kind of guy."
"He said you were family."
"I told him about Montana before I told anyone else. And that was even before all of this."
***
He went to an Al-Anon meeting a couple of days later and thought about Spike, and when Spike next showed up at his place, he let him in and then hugged him.
Spike went absolutely still and then tentatively hugged Xander back. "What's all this then?"
"I had a session with Willow." Xander let go and stepped back. "You're a good friend. I just want you to know that." He made a face. "And that sounded incredibly lame. Do we have to do some kind of manly thing now to pretend we didn't just have a moment?"
"Both had our heads shrunk. Think we can admit to a moment."
***
Xander took a couple of weeks off, and he and Spike road tripped their way out to Montana. They stayed in the main house with Randy, but Xander went out to work one day. Being a ranch hand took different muscles than construction work, but it was a good kind of tired and sore that sent him into the guest bathroom for a long soak after supper.
Montana was quiet, restful. They both came back calmed.
"We have something to say," Willow said at the combination Scooby meeting and welcome back dinner. She nudged Tara.
Tara blushed, but she managed to get it out without stuttering. "I'm pregnant."
Amidst the flurry of congratulations, Xander was able to catch Willow in a long, tight hug. "Congratulations," he said into her ear. "I know how much you want this."
"Thank you." Her eyes brimmed over with happy tears. "We want you to be a part of the baby's life." She reached out toward Tara and her not-yet-rounded stomach. "This baby's going to be your family too."
That warranted another hug, and Xander tucked his face against her shoulder to hide his own damp eyes.
***
"You ever think about it?" Spike asked on the way home.
"Think about what?"
"Having kids."
Xander almost laughed, but then he realized Spike was serious. "No."
"Why not?"
"What? Other than my total lack of appropriate male role models?"
"Think that'd work for you. You know what not to do."
"Sure, but I have no way to know what to do."
"You've got Red for that." Spike staked the vampire that came up behind them without even breaking his stride. "Marriage and family therapist and all that."
"Nah. Even with Willow, I don't think I'd be too good at the father thing."
"Think she expects you to be a father to the bun in her girl's oven."
"Well, yeah. That's different. Besides," Xander waved a hand, "I think I'm done with all that."
"All what?"
"All of it. Dating, girls, wanting kids, all of that."
***
And of course, as soon as he'd told Spike, as soon as he'd made it real, girls started hitting on him. The checker at the grocery store slipped him her number. When he went to the Bronze with Spike, he pulled roughly the same number and quality of girls Spike did. The temp filling in for Brenda flirted with him so much he started going out onto the site to have lunch with the guys.
"It's like someone put a spell on me or something," he complained one evening. "Except I've been there and this is completely different."
"Not sensing any spells," Willow volunteered.
"Maybe it's just your confidence," Buffy suggested.
"Ooh, yeah!" Willow agreed. "Girls like that." She squeezed Tara's hand. "Or so I hear."
"Dunno," Spike said. "Thought you were done with all that."
"I am! That's what makes it all so weird."
"Well that's it," Dawn said. "Women are always interested in guys who aren't interested in them."
Maybe she was right, because he continued to be uninterested in dating and women continued to hit on him.
***
Some girl was hitting on him, despite the fact that he was, for once, about to kick Spike's ass at pool when Willow called. He pressed his free hand to his ear to block out the noise of the Bronze.
"It's time." Xander could almost hear her hands shaking over the phone. "It's time, Xander. Right now. Sharon's on her way." Sharon was a prosaic name for a witch-midwife, but then Sharon was a pretty prosaic person. Practical and down-to-earth, which worked since this was all new to the rest of them.
In the background, he could hear Tara groan.
"It's okay," Willow murmured, abandoning Xander for a moment. "It's okay, sweetie."
"I'll be right there," Xander said. He barely waited for Willow's acknowledgment before he snapped the phone shut and returned his cue to the rack. "Tara's in labor," he said to Spike. "They're at the house."
"Thoughtful of the kid," Spike said, joining him in the complete abandonment of their game and the girl, "to be born at night."
"I'm sure the kid planned it that way." Xander drove as quickly as he thought he could get away with.
Xander dashed up the stairs when they got there, leaving Spike to close the door and amble up after him.
Buffy sat on one side of Tara, giving her a hand she couldn't really hurt to squeeze. Willow was on her other side, brushing a damp cloth over her forehead and talking softly to her.
"Hey, Tara." Xander bent over to kiss her forehead between Willow-swipes. "Hey, Will." He pulled a chair up next to her and took her hand in his.
"I'll just wait outside, then."
"No, Tara said. "Spike, stay."
Spike shrugged uncomfortably in his duster, but he stayed, hovering around the doorway.
Dawn came up with Sharon and the camera. Dawn was freaked out, but Sharon was, of course, calm.
"All right," Sharon said. She put her hands over Tara's stomach. "Good," she said.
Xander kind of zoned out on the feel of Willow's hand in his and Sharon's practical manner. He'd been a little skeptical, but Willow and Tara had, as usual been right. At home, with a witch-midwife, was the right way to do this.
At some point Willow climbed up onto the bed to hold Tara, and Spike came over next to Xander to be another hand Tara couldn't hurt. And after a long time of Sharon's soothing and Tara's howling and Willow's silent tears, there was a little girl new in the world.
"Vivian," Tara said, when Sharon asked. "Vivian Rose Maclay."
She nodded, blessed Vivian, and gave the very sharp knife to Dawn to cut the cord. It was a good choice; Dawn got over her awe quickly enough to pick up the camera again. She got Tara and the baby, equally red-faced. Willow and Tara and the baby. Willow and the baby. Buffy and the baby. Buffy took the camera to get Dawn and the baby.
And then Willow put the tiny--Tiny! How could anything that small really be alive?--bundle into Xander's arms.
There was probably something he was supposed to say, but he couldn't find his voice. He could hear Buffy on the phone to Giles--middle of the night in Sunnydale meant daytime in London--but that didn't really matter either. He just stared down at the baby in his arms. He blinked against the flash, but it couldn't pull his eyes away from Vivian.
Even when Willow took her from him and took her over to Spike, he just kept watching her while she got tucked into Spike's arms and had her picture taken again.
Sharon eventually threw the rest of them out, and they dispersed to leave Willow and Tara to spend time with their daughter.
***
Xander plopped down on the couch when they got back. "I have to be at work in a couple of hours."
"You could call in sick. I could call you in sick," Spike offered.
"No, I'm a man. I'll play hooky on my own."
Spike handed him a bottle of root beer and dropped onto the couch next to him. "Cheers, mate."
Xander clinked his bottle against Spike's. "Cheers." He took a deep drink. "That was so incredible. I can't believe it."
"Knew the witches had it in 'em," Spike said with a wide, happy smile.
Even though he was exhausted, Xander was too wired to sleep, so he and Spike sat up and watched bad late-night TV until it was late enough that he could call Jerry and let him know he wouldn't be in. They all knew he'd been waiting for his friend to give birth, so he didn't get as much ribbing for calling in on a Friday as he might have.
Spike eventually prodded him into bed with the excuse that he needed some sleep himself and Xander was sitting on his bed.
***
Xander went to a meeting, and didn't even realize he was there to speak until he was actually doing it.
"My best friend's first child was born this week, and I already love her more than anyone else in the world, and she's not even mine. I never realized before just how different I am from my parents."
He went home and moved restlessly around the apartment until Spike dragged him out to The Bronze where Xander lost game after game at the pool tables in the back.
***
It was Spike who called Willow the next day and practically demanded that they be allowed to come over and visit the baby.
"Xander," Willow said, when they got there, "you can come over any time you want." She took his hand to lead him upstairs to Tara and Vivian. "We want you to be a part of Vivian's life."
"Hi, Xander." Tara stood up out of the rocking chair Xander had made for them. "Here."
"Oh, no," he said. "I didn't mean to--"
Tara pushed Vivian into his arms. "Sit with her for a while." She waited until Xander lowered himself down into the rocking chair before she reached a hand out to Willow. "Honey, let's go downstairs for a bit."
Xander had no idea how much time passed before Spike came up to find him.
"Hey. You want a turn?"
Spike shook his head. "Just came up to see how it was going." He bent over Xander and brushed one finger over Vivian's forehead.
***
Xander took Willow at her word and started dropping by to visit nearly every day. He tried not to make it so often that he interfered with Willow and Tara's own time with Vivian, but he was completely fascinated by how much she changed from visit to visit.
Sometimes he'd get there to find Spike already there, rocking calmly with Vivian in his arms. Once or twice he even caught Spike reciting poetry to her. On those days, he waited in the doorway and listened until Spike was done before he went in to bend over the chair and kiss Vivian.
***
"They figured out how to do it, didn't they?" Xander asked on their way home one night.
"Do what?"
"Vivian's both of theirs, isn't she?" No one had said anything about it yet, but Xander'd noticed that while her face was mostly round like Tara's, there was a widow's peak jutting into her forehead, and her hair was coming in red-tinged.
"Reckon she is at that."
"And you don't think that's weird?"
"There's not much that really qualifies as weird around here."
"True."
"So, listen," Spike said just as Xander pulled into his parking space at the apartment complex, but then he didn't say anything else.
"What?" Xander asked softly. He knew enough to wait for Spike to say whatever it was he was going to say before he got out of the car.
"If you've got some time tomorrow, you could come with to my appointment with Red."
"Okay." When Spike made no move to get out of the car, Xander risked a glance at him. "Angel coming up again?"
"No. Just thought you could come. It's okay if you don't want to."
"No, of course I'll be there."
***
"Xander," Willow said when he came into the office with Spike the next day. "Hi."
"Hey, Will."
Willow looked from him to Spike and back again. "What brings you into my office this fine evening?"
Xander shrugged. "It's Spike's session. I'm just along for moral support."
"Okay," Willow gestured them onto the couch and sat across from them. She set the timer. "What's the agenda for today?"
Spike picked up one of the knickknacks on the table and fiddled with it. "No real agenda."
"Okay," Willow said. "So why did you bring Xander?"
Spike put down one knickknack and picked up a different one. "Dunno, really." He looked at Xander and smirked. "Maybe I just wanted him to give you a progress report. Haven't been trying to take care of him."
"That's true. He's not taking care of me. I'm not taking care of him." Xander glanced at Spike. "It's more like a partnership."
"Not like we're married," Spike muttered.
"Well." Xander took the knickknack out of Spike's hand.
"Well," Spike repeated. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means," Xander said slowly, "that we're a partnership. You live with me. You do," he said before Spike could protest. "Your books are filling up the shelves. Your trunks of stuff are sitting under the windows in the living room. You put up photos and art all over the place. You live with me. We eat dinner together. We patrol together. We hang out together. It's stupid to make you sleep on the couch."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying we're practically married anyway. We're already family. You've been living on my couch for way too long." He turned to fully look at Spike. "If you don't want to move into my bed with me," and thank God for his confidence these days, that he could say that to Spike in front of Willow without babbling or blushing, "we need to move into somewhere with two bedrooms."
"You can't afford that."
Xander shrugged. "It might mean that things are tight for a while, but if that's what we need to do, we'll make it work."
"Are you serious?"
"I wouldn't say it if I weren't. We know we can live together. I already love you. I'm not in love with you, but I think maybe I could be. And it's not like I haven't noticed how hot you are." That part did make him blush.
"You got anything to say about this?" Spike asked Willow.
She waved at them in a go-ahead kind of gesture. "I think you've got it under control."
"That's it? Not going to offer advice or ask us questions?"
"You're talking to each other honestly, so you've got the whole communication thing down. You're adults. You've both worked out most of the issues that would keep you from letting yourselves be happy. This is your thing to work out."
"The Bit wouldn't like it."
"The Bit," Xander pointed out, "is an adult. She'll deal or not, but that's her problem."
"Yeah, and what about Seth?"
"Seth is also an adult, and he's not stupid. I'm sure he knows exactly what's going on."
"You ever been with another bloke?"
"Yes."
Spike's eyes widened and Xander could almost feel Willow holding herself still.
"When?"
"After I came back from Montana." Xander shrugged. "He was interested, and I thought, why not?"
"Seems like it didn't take."
"I didn't love him. Come on, Spike. We both know what I'm like in a relationship. We both know what you're like in a relationship."
"Haven't seen you around any blokes."
"Yeah, well, it's not like The Bronze is really a hotspot for same-sex action." Xander shrugged. "I didn't go looking for it. It just kind of happened."
Spike watched him for what seemed like a long time.
"I know what I'm asking," Xander said softly.
Spike swung his duster over his shoulders and shoved his hands into the pockets. "Gotta think about this." He nodded at Willow. "He can take the rest of my session."
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. Do you think he's all right?"
"You can have your own secrets."
Xander grinned. "Is that Friend-Willow or Therapist-Willow?"
Willow smiled back at him. "Therapist-Willow, mostly, but Friend-Willow also knows you need your own space sometimes."
"I'm sorry anyway. When it happened." Xander shrugged. "It just didn't seem that important, and then there wasn't anyone I was really interested in anyway."
"Xander," she said, "it's okay. Really. I do know how these things go."
"I guess you do." Xander fidgeted. "What do you think he'll decide?"
"What do you think he'll decide?"
"You've really got that turning questions around on the patient thing down." He stood up and paced. "I don't know. I want him to decide to say yes. I wouldn't have asked otherwise. Does it bother you that I'm pacing?"
"The rest of this hour is yours. Your agenda, and if you need to pace, you can pace."
Xander threw himself back down onto the couch. "It's going to weird everyone out if he says yes, isn't it?" He held up a hand. "Don't tell me. It's our life, and everyone else will have to deal."
"You said it."
"Yeah." Xander sighed. "I don't think I'm up for the rest of this hour." He stood up and bent over Willow to kiss her cheek. "Go home to Tara and Vivian."
Willow caught his hand. "Don't fret too much." She pressed her lips to the back of his hand. "We're still your family too. Come by if you get too lonely waiting."
Xander squeezed her hand. "Thanks, Will."
He went home and paced around the apartment until he realized how silly that was. Instead, he flopped down on the couch and channel surfed until he found something that wasn't too intrusive.
"Anything good?" Spike asked when he came home.
"No." Xander picked up the remote.
"Leave it."
He dropped the remote back onto the arm of the couch. "Okay." He watched Spike hang up his coat and come toward him.
"Are you just asking because it's convenient? Getting lonely and want another body in your bed?"
"It is convenient, but that's not what this is about." Xander put his hand on Spike's knee to back up his words. "I'm not lonely with you here. It's you I want in my bed." He managed to keep himself from stroking his thumb across Spike's knee. "If you don't want this, we can forget this evening ever happened and we'll keep an eye on the classifieds for two-bedroom places."
Spike leaned forward and pressed his lips against Xander's. Xander barely dared to breathe.
"Is that a yes?"
"It's not a no." Spike licked his lips. "More like a maybe. A let's try it out, yeah?"
"Yeah, all right." Xander felt the slow smile spread across his face. "I'll take a maybe." He pushed forward to claim a kiss from Spike. "I want to try it." He stroked Spike's arm, up and down, and kissed him again. When he tried for another kiss, Spike caught his face between his hands.
"I can't promise you forever."
Xander turned and kissed one of Spike's palms. "I'm not going to live forever." He turned and kissed the other palm.
As if a switch had been flipped, Spike went from gentle and tentative to sexy and demanding. He used the hands on Xander's face to pull him in for the hungriest kiss anyone had ever given him.
"For now, yeah?" Spike didn't wait for an answer before kissing him again.
"Can I fuck you?" he asked after a long time of the two of them touching and kissing.
Xander just stared at him with glazed eyes. "Yeah. Yeah." He led Spike to his bedroom and rummaged around in the pile of stuff on the nightstand for the lube he knew was there somewhere.
Spike was naked by the time he found it, and Xander wasted no time in dropping his own clothes on the floor to mingle with Spike's.
Xander spread himself out on his bed in his best attempt at a come and fuck me pose. His efforts didn't go unrewarded; Spike knelt between his legs and pushed one of Xander's knees up and back, out of his way. He squeezed the lotion onto his hands and pushed one finger and then two and three into Xander.
On the fourth one, Xander reached up to grasp Spike's shoulders and pull him down. "It's enough," he said. "Now."
Spike pushed into him slowly. Xander could barely breathe.
"Good, yeah?" Spike asked.
Xander turned Spike's question around into an affirmation. "Good, yeah." He hooked his legs around Spike's hips and held him there. "Good."
Spike moved, and Xander lost all ability to speak. He could feel every inch of Spike's cock pushing into him.
It was too good for him to do anything but feel.
"Good," he whispered against Spike's temple after they'd both come. "So good. God, Spike." And then, "Don't," when Spike tried to move out of and off him.
Spike kissed him, and it was gentle, like the first time.
***
Spike's grip was gentle, too, when he took Xander's hand on the way to or from the house for a visit to Vivian.
Xander still waited until Spike was finished with whatever he was reciting before he came in to lean over the two of them in the rocking chair for kisses.
Spike gave him Vivian, and then pulled Xander down into his own lap. Xander laughed and settled himself and Vivian comfortably. Spike rocked them back and forth while Xander took his turn to talk to Vivian.
"Hey there, Vivian. How's my little girl?" He swung her up and brought her back down to press a noisy kiss onto her nose. "I love you." He kissed one cheek and then the other. "I love you more than anyone else in the whole wide world."
"More than Red?" Spike asked.
"Willow can be second." Xander chucked Vivian under the chin.
Spike hooked his chin over Xander's shoulder. "More than me?"
Xander turned and smiled at him, simple and happy. "You can be third." He kissed Spike until Vivian started gurgling up at him, and then he turned back around and talked and sang to her until Tara gently kicked them out so she could feed Vivian.
***
Buffy was the one to come get them one evening. It was oddly anticlimactic.
She took in the two of them and said only, "Willow said to tell you that dinner will be ready in five minutes."
Xander let out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding. "Do you think she's mad?"
"Don't know." Spike tucked his chin into Xander's shoulder. "Don't know much about her these days."
Xander reached up and wrapped his hand around the back of Spike's head. "And what if she is?"
Spike pressed his lips against Xander's neck. "I'm not going to walk out on you because it pisses the Slayer off."
Xander smiled. "Might even make you stay, huh?"
Spike's lips curved against his skin. "Might." He turned Xander's head and kissed him. "Might be other reasons I'd want to stay." He brushed his lips over Xander's cheek and then pushed him off his lap. "Don't wanna make the witches wait."
***
"What the hell is going on here?" Dawn asked when she found out. They hadn't been trying to hide it from her, but she wasn't around much and it was never the right time. And nobody really wanted to deal with the fallout. But they hadn't been trying to hide it, so when Xander felt like holding Spike's hand, he did it.
"Trying to find out what's been beating up your sister for the past week."
"That's not what I'm talking about."
From the corner of his eye, Xander saw Tara take Vivian back into the training room.
Seth, of course, chose that moment to put in an appearance. He wrapped his arms around her from behind and kissed her cheek. "Hello, love."
She shrugged him off. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"Dawn," Xander said. He brushed his thumb over the back of Spike's hand. "I love him."
"You--" Her outrage didn't let her get any farther, and she turned to Spike. "You--" Her second attempt came out more pleading.
"Bit."
"No." She took a step back and bumped into Seth. "Whatever it is, I don't want to hear it." She pushed off of Seth and stalked out.
"No, don't get up," Seth drawled, and he ambled his way out after her.
"That bastard," Spike swore.
"Spike," Xander said. Spike's grip was getting a little tight.
Spike blinked at him, and then he dropped Xander's hand as if it were covered in crosses, which wasn't any better. He swung his duster on over his shoulders. "Gonna patrol for a while."
Xander dropped his face into his hands. "That went horribly wrong."
"You probably should have told her," Buffy said, unsympathetic.
"Yeah, because then we could have gone through all this earlier and with more talking."
Willow sat next to him and put her arms around him. "It'll be okay."
Xander let himself lean into her embrace for a long moment before he went back to the book he was supposed to be using to find answers.
***
He was home, starting the dishwasher and turning out the lights, when Spike came in.
"Kill anything?"
"Yeah." Spike dropped his duster onto the coat rack. He came into the kitchen and kissed Xander, slow and so sweet. He maneuvered Xander into the bedroom, flipping light switches as they went, and blew him, perfectly, expertly.
He wouldn't let Xander return the favor. "Go to sleep, yeah?"
"You talk to her?" Xander asked sleepily.
"No."
Xander curled his hand around Spike's hip. "She's mad."
Spike kissed his hair. "She's an adult. She'll get over it."
Xander struggled against sleep. "I know you wanted--"
"Hush, now. None of that." Spike's hands roamed over his body in some kind of mystical pattern designed to make him sleep. "Wanted this, didn't I?"
***
Spike kept touching him all the way into the next day. He had his hand thoroughly buried in Xander's hair when Dawn came in. She stopped, and then turned her back on them and talked to Buffy. Seth swaggered in behind her and grinned broad thanks at them.
It got easier; even Dawn couldn't maintain that much anger for that long.
"We're transferring," she told them all defiantly a semester later. "Seth and I are going to San Diego."
***
"I'm not mad," Buffy said later. "Not at you." She hugged Xander to show she meant it. "Maybe it's time for her to go away from all this."
"From us."
"From all of us." She smiled sadly. "Maybe it's time for her to stop being the Slayer's little sister and just be Dawn. Hard to do in Sunnydale."
Xander rested his chin on the top of her head and said, "I'm sorry," anyway.
"Maybe she'll be better by spring break," he said to Spike later, while they were snacking on Fritos in front of sitcom reruns.
Spike slid his arm in between Xander's neck and the couch. "Could be."
***
Better was a relative term. When Dawn came home for spring break, she could look at them, but she still wasn't talking to them. By summer, she was only a little cool, and by the time she went back to school in the fall, things were almost normal in Scoobyland.
Tara got pregnant again, and they let Xander cut the cord. Matthew learned to walk, and Vivian started kindergarten. Willow sobbed against Xander's shoulder after they watched her walk into the classroom for the first time. Tara went to pick her up.
"I made a friend!" Vivian gave the picture she'd drawn to Willow and went to Xander to be picked up. "We're going to be best friends forever, like you and Mama Willow."
Spike never promised forever, but he hadn't left and Xander wasn't going to live forever.
--End--
"Spike told me he's been seeing you," Xander said to Willow over lunch one day.
She nodded. "I thought he might."
"He seems better." Xander toyed with a fry.
"Xander," Willow said, "is there something you want to talk about?"
"Did we screw him up more by taking him to Sue?"
"You're not responsible for the way Spike is," Willow said carefully, "but we can't keep enabling him."
Xander dropped the fry back onto his plate. "I thought it would help both of them."
Willow grabbed his hand and squeezed it between both of hers. "I know you wanted to help. I did too. I think it did help her. Spike needs to learn new relationship patterns."
Xander grinned. "You're such a therapist."
Willow grinned back. "You can't see a window being broken without planning half a dozen ways to make it better when you fix it."
"Guilty as charged." Xander dipped a fry into his ketchup and diverted the conversational stream into a different direction.
***
Spike seemed to be getting so much better, and then he seemed worse, tense and irritable and constantly flicking his lighter.
Xander teamed up with him for patrol, played bait, and let Spike work out some his nervous energy toying with fledges and minions who didn't know better than to mess with one of the Slayer's gang.
"Witch thinks I should talk to the Poof," Spike finally said, flipping his lighter into the air and catching it again and again.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah." Spike dusted a vamp coming their way, almost as an afterthought. "Thinks it'd be good for me."
They walked a little farther into the cemetery.
"I've never really talked to my dad," Xander eventually offered, "but then he's not seeking redemption and making a life out of fighting evil."
"Red said we should invite him up, to her office. Said she'd mediate."
"Sounds practical. It should keep you from killing each other."
"Yeah." Spike kicked at a tombstone, knocking it over into the one next to it. "If I decide to do it." Spike kicked another tombstone, one more firmly rooted to the ground. "Would you be there too?" he finally asked in a rush.
"Yeah," Xander said, surprised, "of course I will."
***
Xander had never been to Willow's actual office before. It was nice, comfy. Two couches and a couple of cushy chairs in a loose circle with a cheap desk in the corner. Xander made a mental note to look for wood for a new desk; it was never too early to start planning for birthdays and other gift giving occasions.
Spike took a couch, and Xander sat next to him. Willow took one of the chairs, and when Angel showed up, he took the other one.
"We're here," Willow said, "because Spike is ready to talk to you, Angel. Spike, would you like to begin?"
Spike refused to look at any of them. "No," he said sullenly.
Willow nodded as if she were unsurprised. "Angel, how about you? Would you like to start?"
Angel looked uncomfortable. "The last time we saw each other," he finally said, "you were ordering Marcus to stick hot pokers in me."
"There was a time you would've appreciated a nice bit of torture," Spike sulked back.
"I've changed, Spike." Angel's tone made the unsaid "and you haven't" completely clear.
"Some change. Got yourself cursed by a meal's family, moped around a bit, and then--" Spike snapped his mouth shut on whatever else he was going to say.
"And then what?" Willow prompted him.
"And then the great sodding poof decided he was better off without his evil, unsouled family dragging him down."
"Can you tell Angel how that made you feel?"
Spike snarled at her, fangs and demon eyes and all. She didn't flinch; Xander felt his heart beat a little faster.
"You agreed to this," Willow reminded him. "If you've changed your mind, we can send Angel and Xander home and we'll have our usual session."
Spike didn't exactly relax, but he at least dropped the grrr look.
"You left me to take care of Dru all alone," Spike said directly to Angel. "Loved her, and she loved me, but she always wanted her daddy back."
"I'd think you'd have been happy to have her all to yourself."
"I never had her all to myself, not really. You were always there. And she was crazier than a loon." Spike suddenly looked just tired. "You left me with a crazy woman and no help but for whatever minions I could find time to create and train. Were supposed to be a family."
"That why you brought the boy?" Angel asked.
"The boy," Spike said, "is more of a man than either of us. Decided what he wanted out of life, and went out to get it. And then he came back to his family."
As far as Xander knew, that was the nicest thing Spike had ever said about him.
"Right," Angel said. "I'm supposed to live up to the example of Xander Harris."
"Hey," Xander said, "this whole thing," with a gesture between Spike and Angel, "is not about me."
"No." Spike turned on him fiercely. "It is about you. You left, but you kept in touch. You came back. You've been good to me."
"There is a reason you're here," Willow said to Xander when he was too tongue-tied to say anything.
"Yeah," he finally managed, "moral support."
"More than that," Spike muttered. "Family now," he admitted when Xander shot him a questioning look. The saying of nice things was starting to weird Xander out.
"Okay," Xander said when he'd recovered. "Maybe this is a little bit about me. But I thought it was mostly about Deadboy."
"Actually about me," Spike reminded them. "And about how the Poof stopped caring when he got his soul."
"I never said I stopped caring," Angel said.
"Yeah, that was real convincing," Spike sneered back at him. "You left."
"I couldn't stay," Angel said. "I couldn't be a part of that anymore."
"A part of us, you mean."
Angel sighed heavily. "Fine," he said. "I couldn't be a part of you anymore."
"I knew it," but Spike's triumph was weak. He looked more sad than anything else.
"I'm sorry," Angel said after a long silence.
"Yeah, well, it's not like I care anyway," Spike said.
"Spike," Willow admonished, "we have an agreement. Here, in this room, you tell the truth. You can refuse to discuss something, but you may not lie."
"Fine," he said. "I'm not talking about this."
"Fine," Angel echoed.
The timer on Willow's desk beeped. "I'm afraid our time is up," she said while she made it stop.
"That's it?" Xander asked. "The buzzer goes off, and, bzzt! it's all over?"
"Limits are important," Willow said gently. And then, more briskly, "Angel, I'd like you to stay for a minute." She put her notebook down and stood to hug Xander and then Spike. "I'll see you next week," she said to Spike.
"Bloody poof," Spike said once they were back on the street in front of Willow's office. He glanced at Xander. "Going to kill things."
"Yeah," Xander said to Spike's retreating back. "I'll get home fine. Thanks for asking." And he did get home fine. No vampires in sight.
***
Spike was waiting for him when he got home from work the next day.
"Not trying to take care of you," Spike said quickly, before Xander could object to the food cooking on his stove. "Just a thank-you like. For yesterday."
Xander got himself all the way into the apartment. "Do I have time for a shower?"
Spike eyed the food. "Yeah."
The food was good. "Thanks," Xander said when they were done. "You didn't have to do this."
Spike shrugged off his appreciation and made him do the dishes himself.
***
"I rearranged my schedule," Willow said when she caught him on his lunch break the next day.
Xander tucked the phone more firmly against his shoulder and leaned back in his chair. "Yeah?"
"I can fit you in at four."
That made him sit up straight.
"Xander." Willow's voice was soft and understanding in his ear. "You don't have to."
"I'll be there," he promised, and he kept his promises.
***
"Shouldn't I be lying on the couch?" he tried to joke.
"You can if you want." Willow took the chair at one end of the couch, so Xander decided she probably meant it and lay down with his head toward her.
"This is kind of weird."
"The situation or the angle?"
"A little of both, actually." Xander tucked one arm under his head and twisted a little to look up at Willow. "The other day was weird."
"How was it weird?"
And, okay, maybe he could do this. It wasn't that weird, after all. Just like talking to Willow. Only somewhere else.
"I mean, I know how Spike is," a little half smile that crooked up one side of his mouth, "but I didn't realize he was so angry with Angel for going off on his own after the whole curse thing."
They sat in silence for a while, until Xander spoke again. "Aren't you supposed to ask me how that makes me feel or what that has to do with my mother?"
"I don't have an agenda here." Friend-Willow might have touched him then, but this was Therapist-Willow, and there were boundaries that came with that. "This is your session."
"He made me dinner last night. To thank me for the other day." He fidgeted for a minute. "He did make me do my own dishes."
"How did that make you feel?" Willow asked.
He grinned up at her. "Good," he said. "Even having to clean up. It was nice." He almost reached out to take her hand, but he remembered the boundaries issue. "Spike's actually a standup guy. You know, for not actually being a living, breathing kind of guy."
"He said you were family."
"I told him about Montana before I told anyone else. And that was even before all of this."
***
He went to an Al-Anon meeting a couple of days later and thought about Spike, and when Spike next showed up at his place, he let him in and then hugged him.
Spike went absolutely still and then tentatively hugged Xander back. "What's all this then?"
"I had a session with Willow." Xander let go and stepped back. "You're a good friend. I just want you to know that." He made a face. "And that sounded incredibly lame. Do we have to do some kind of manly thing now to pretend we didn't just have a moment?"
"Both had our heads shrunk. Think we can admit to a moment."
***
Xander took a couple of weeks off, and he and Spike road tripped their way out to Montana. They stayed in the main house with Randy, but Xander went out to work one day. Being a ranch hand took different muscles than construction work, but it was a good kind of tired and sore that sent him into the guest bathroom for a long soak after supper.
Montana was quiet, restful. They both came back calmed.
"We have something to say," Willow said at the combination Scooby meeting and welcome back dinner. She nudged Tara.
Tara blushed, but she managed to get it out without stuttering. "I'm pregnant."
Amidst the flurry of congratulations, Xander was able to catch Willow in a long, tight hug. "Congratulations," he said into her ear. "I know how much you want this."
"Thank you." Her eyes brimmed over with happy tears. "We want you to be a part of the baby's life." She reached out toward Tara and her not-yet-rounded stomach. "This baby's going to be your family too."
That warranted another hug, and Xander tucked his face against her shoulder to hide his own damp eyes.
***
"You ever think about it?" Spike asked on the way home.
"Think about what?"
"Having kids."
Xander almost laughed, but then he realized Spike was serious. "No."
"Why not?"
"What? Other than my total lack of appropriate male role models?"
"Think that'd work for you. You know what not to do."
"Sure, but I have no way to know what to do."
"You've got Red for that." Spike staked the vampire that came up behind them without even breaking his stride. "Marriage and family therapist and all that."
"Nah. Even with Willow, I don't think I'd be too good at the father thing."
"Think she expects you to be a father to the bun in her girl's oven."
"Well, yeah. That's different. Besides," Xander waved a hand, "I think I'm done with all that."
"All what?"
"All of it. Dating, girls, wanting kids, all of that."
***
And of course, as soon as he'd told Spike, as soon as he'd made it real, girls started hitting on him. The checker at the grocery store slipped him her number. When he went to the Bronze with Spike, he pulled roughly the same number and quality of girls Spike did. The temp filling in for Brenda flirted with him so much he started going out onto the site to have lunch with the guys.
"It's like someone put a spell on me or something," he complained one evening. "Except I've been there and this is completely different."
"Not sensing any spells," Willow volunteered.
"Maybe it's just your confidence," Buffy suggested.
"Ooh, yeah!" Willow agreed. "Girls like that." She squeezed Tara's hand. "Or so I hear."
"Dunno," Spike said. "Thought you were done with all that."
"I am! That's what makes it all so weird."
"Well that's it," Dawn said. "Women are always interested in guys who aren't interested in them."
Maybe she was right, because he continued to be uninterested in dating and women continued to hit on him.
***
Some girl was hitting on him, despite the fact that he was, for once, about to kick Spike's ass at pool when Willow called. He pressed his free hand to his ear to block out the noise of the Bronze.
"It's time." Xander could almost hear her hands shaking over the phone. "It's time, Xander. Right now. Sharon's on her way." Sharon was a prosaic name for a witch-midwife, but then Sharon was a pretty prosaic person. Practical and down-to-earth, which worked since this was all new to the rest of them.
In the background, he could hear Tara groan.
"It's okay," Willow murmured, abandoning Xander for a moment. "It's okay, sweetie."
"I'll be right there," Xander said. He barely waited for Willow's acknowledgment before he snapped the phone shut and returned his cue to the rack. "Tara's in labor," he said to Spike. "They're at the house."
"Thoughtful of the kid," Spike said, joining him in the complete abandonment of their game and the girl, "to be born at night."
"I'm sure the kid planned it that way." Xander drove as quickly as he thought he could get away with.
Xander dashed up the stairs when they got there, leaving Spike to close the door and amble up after him.
Buffy sat on one side of Tara, giving her a hand she couldn't really hurt to squeeze. Willow was on her other side, brushing a damp cloth over her forehead and talking softly to her.
"Hey, Tara." Xander bent over to kiss her forehead between Willow-swipes. "Hey, Will." He pulled a chair up next to her and took her hand in his.
"I'll just wait outside, then."
"No, Tara said. "Spike, stay."
Spike shrugged uncomfortably in his duster, but he stayed, hovering around the doorway.
Dawn came up with Sharon and the camera. Dawn was freaked out, but Sharon was, of course, calm.
"All right," Sharon said. She put her hands over Tara's stomach. "Good," she said.
Xander kind of zoned out on the feel of Willow's hand in his and Sharon's practical manner. He'd been a little skeptical, but Willow and Tara had, as usual been right. At home, with a witch-midwife, was the right way to do this.
At some point Willow climbed up onto the bed to hold Tara, and Spike came over next to Xander to be another hand Tara couldn't hurt. And after a long time of Sharon's soothing and Tara's howling and Willow's silent tears, there was a little girl new in the world.
"Vivian," Tara said, when Sharon asked. "Vivian Rose Maclay."
She nodded, blessed Vivian, and gave the very sharp knife to Dawn to cut the cord. It was a good choice; Dawn got over her awe quickly enough to pick up the camera again. She got Tara and the baby, equally red-faced. Willow and Tara and the baby. Willow and the baby. Buffy and the baby. Buffy took the camera to get Dawn and the baby.
And then Willow put the tiny--Tiny! How could anything that small really be alive?--bundle into Xander's arms.
There was probably something he was supposed to say, but he couldn't find his voice. He could hear Buffy on the phone to Giles--middle of the night in Sunnydale meant daytime in London--but that didn't really matter either. He just stared down at the baby in his arms. He blinked against the flash, but it couldn't pull his eyes away from Vivian.
Even when Willow took her from him and took her over to Spike, he just kept watching her while she got tucked into Spike's arms and had her picture taken again.
Sharon eventually threw the rest of them out, and they dispersed to leave Willow and Tara to spend time with their daughter.
***
Xander plopped down on the couch when they got back. "I have to be at work in a couple of hours."
"You could call in sick. I could call you in sick," Spike offered.
"No, I'm a man. I'll play hooky on my own."
Spike handed him a bottle of root beer and dropped onto the couch next to him. "Cheers, mate."
Xander clinked his bottle against Spike's. "Cheers." He took a deep drink. "That was so incredible. I can't believe it."
"Knew the witches had it in 'em," Spike said with a wide, happy smile.
Even though he was exhausted, Xander was too wired to sleep, so he and Spike sat up and watched bad late-night TV until it was late enough that he could call Jerry and let him know he wouldn't be in. They all knew he'd been waiting for his friend to give birth, so he didn't get as much ribbing for calling in on a Friday as he might have.
Spike eventually prodded him into bed with the excuse that he needed some sleep himself and Xander was sitting on his bed.
***
Xander went to a meeting, and didn't even realize he was there to speak until he was actually doing it.
"My best friend's first child was born this week, and I already love her more than anyone else in the world, and she's not even mine. I never realized before just how different I am from my parents."
He went home and moved restlessly around the apartment until Spike dragged him out to The Bronze where Xander lost game after game at the pool tables in the back.
***
It was Spike who called Willow the next day and practically demanded that they be allowed to come over and visit the baby.
"Xander," Willow said, when they got there, "you can come over any time you want." She took his hand to lead him upstairs to Tara and Vivian. "We want you to be a part of Vivian's life."
"Hi, Xander." Tara stood up out of the rocking chair Xander had made for them. "Here."
"Oh, no," he said. "I didn't mean to--"
Tara pushed Vivian into his arms. "Sit with her for a while." She waited until Xander lowered himself down into the rocking chair before she reached a hand out to Willow. "Honey, let's go downstairs for a bit."
Xander had no idea how much time passed before Spike came up to find him.
"Hey. You want a turn?"
Spike shook his head. "Just came up to see how it was going." He bent over Xander and brushed one finger over Vivian's forehead.
***
Xander took Willow at her word and started dropping by to visit nearly every day. He tried not to make it so often that he interfered with Willow and Tara's own time with Vivian, but he was completely fascinated by how much she changed from visit to visit.
Sometimes he'd get there to find Spike already there, rocking calmly with Vivian in his arms. Once or twice he even caught Spike reciting poetry to her. On those days, he waited in the doorway and listened until Spike was done before he went in to bend over the chair and kiss Vivian.
***
"They figured out how to do it, didn't they?" Xander asked on their way home one night.
"Do what?"
"Vivian's both of theirs, isn't she?" No one had said anything about it yet, but Xander'd noticed that while her face was mostly round like Tara's, there was a widow's peak jutting into her forehead, and her hair was coming in red-tinged.
"Reckon she is at that."
"And you don't think that's weird?"
"There's not much that really qualifies as weird around here."
"True."
"So, listen," Spike said just as Xander pulled into his parking space at the apartment complex, but then he didn't say anything else.
"What?" Xander asked softly. He knew enough to wait for Spike to say whatever it was he was going to say before he got out of the car.
"If you've got some time tomorrow, you could come with to my appointment with Red."
"Okay." When Spike made no move to get out of the car, Xander risked a glance at him. "Angel coming up again?"
"No. Just thought you could come. It's okay if you don't want to."
"No, of course I'll be there."
***
"Xander," Willow said when he came into the office with Spike the next day. "Hi."
"Hey, Will."
Willow looked from him to Spike and back again. "What brings you into my office this fine evening?"
Xander shrugged. "It's Spike's session. I'm just along for moral support."
"Okay," Willow gestured them onto the couch and sat across from them. She set the timer. "What's the agenda for today?"
Spike picked up one of the knickknacks on the table and fiddled with it. "No real agenda."
"Okay," Willow said. "So why did you bring Xander?"
Spike put down one knickknack and picked up a different one. "Dunno, really." He looked at Xander and smirked. "Maybe I just wanted him to give you a progress report. Haven't been trying to take care of him."
"That's true. He's not taking care of me. I'm not taking care of him." Xander glanced at Spike. "It's more like a partnership."
"Not like we're married," Spike muttered.
"Well." Xander took the knickknack out of Spike's hand.
"Well," Spike repeated. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means," Xander said slowly, "that we're a partnership. You live with me. You do," he said before Spike could protest. "Your books are filling up the shelves. Your trunks of stuff are sitting under the windows in the living room. You put up photos and art all over the place. You live with me. We eat dinner together. We patrol together. We hang out together. It's stupid to make you sleep on the couch."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying we're practically married anyway. We're already family. You've been living on my couch for way too long." He turned to fully look at Spike. "If you don't want to move into my bed with me," and thank God for his confidence these days, that he could say that to Spike in front of Willow without babbling or blushing, "we need to move into somewhere with two bedrooms."
"You can't afford that."
Xander shrugged. "It might mean that things are tight for a while, but if that's what we need to do, we'll make it work."
"Are you serious?"
"I wouldn't say it if I weren't. We know we can live together. I already love you. I'm not in love with you, but I think maybe I could be. And it's not like I haven't noticed how hot you are." That part did make him blush.
"You got anything to say about this?" Spike asked Willow.
She waved at them in a go-ahead kind of gesture. "I think you've got it under control."
"That's it? Not going to offer advice or ask us questions?"
"You're talking to each other honestly, so you've got the whole communication thing down. You're adults. You've both worked out most of the issues that would keep you from letting yourselves be happy. This is your thing to work out."
"The Bit wouldn't like it."
"The Bit," Xander pointed out, "is an adult. She'll deal or not, but that's her problem."
"Yeah, and what about Seth?"
"Seth is also an adult, and he's not stupid. I'm sure he knows exactly what's going on."
"You ever been with another bloke?"
"Yes."
Spike's eyes widened and Xander could almost feel Willow holding herself still.
"When?"
"After I came back from Montana." Xander shrugged. "He was interested, and I thought, why not?"
"Seems like it didn't take."
"I didn't love him. Come on, Spike. We both know what I'm like in a relationship. We both know what you're like in a relationship."
"Haven't seen you around any blokes."
"Yeah, well, it's not like The Bronze is really a hotspot for same-sex action." Xander shrugged. "I didn't go looking for it. It just kind of happened."
Spike watched him for what seemed like a long time.
"I know what I'm asking," Xander said softly.
Spike swung his duster over his shoulders and shoved his hands into the pockets. "Gotta think about this." He nodded at Willow. "He can take the rest of my session."
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. Do you think he's all right?"
"You can have your own secrets."
Xander grinned. "Is that Friend-Willow or Therapist-Willow?"
Willow smiled back at him. "Therapist-Willow, mostly, but Friend-Willow also knows you need your own space sometimes."
"I'm sorry anyway. When it happened." Xander shrugged. "It just didn't seem that important, and then there wasn't anyone I was really interested in anyway."
"Xander," she said, "it's okay. Really. I do know how these things go."
"I guess you do." Xander fidgeted. "What do you think he'll decide?"
"What do you think he'll decide?"
"You've really got that turning questions around on the patient thing down." He stood up and paced. "I don't know. I want him to decide to say yes. I wouldn't have asked otherwise. Does it bother you that I'm pacing?"
"The rest of this hour is yours. Your agenda, and if you need to pace, you can pace."
Xander threw himself back down onto the couch. "It's going to weird everyone out if he says yes, isn't it?" He held up a hand. "Don't tell me. It's our life, and everyone else will have to deal."
"You said it."
"Yeah." Xander sighed. "I don't think I'm up for the rest of this hour." He stood up and bent over Willow to kiss her cheek. "Go home to Tara and Vivian."
Willow caught his hand. "Don't fret too much." She pressed her lips to the back of his hand. "We're still your family too. Come by if you get too lonely waiting."
Xander squeezed her hand. "Thanks, Will."
He went home and paced around the apartment until he realized how silly that was. Instead, he flopped down on the couch and channel surfed until he found something that wasn't too intrusive.
"Anything good?" Spike asked when he came home.
"No." Xander picked up the remote.
"Leave it."
He dropped the remote back onto the arm of the couch. "Okay." He watched Spike hang up his coat and come toward him.
"Are you just asking because it's convenient? Getting lonely and want another body in your bed?"
"It is convenient, but that's not what this is about." Xander put his hand on Spike's knee to back up his words. "I'm not lonely with you here. It's you I want in my bed." He managed to keep himself from stroking his thumb across Spike's knee. "If you don't want this, we can forget this evening ever happened and we'll keep an eye on the classifieds for two-bedroom places."
Spike leaned forward and pressed his lips against Xander's. Xander barely dared to breathe.
"Is that a yes?"
"It's not a no." Spike licked his lips. "More like a maybe. A let's try it out, yeah?"
"Yeah, all right." Xander felt the slow smile spread across his face. "I'll take a maybe." He pushed forward to claim a kiss from Spike. "I want to try it." He stroked Spike's arm, up and down, and kissed him again. When he tried for another kiss, Spike caught his face between his hands.
"I can't promise you forever."
Xander turned and kissed one of Spike's palms. "I'm not going to live forever." He turned and kissed the other palm.
As if a switch had been flipped, Spike went from gentle and tentative to sexy and demanding. He used the hands on Xander's face to pull him in for the hungriest kiss anyone had ever given him.
"For now, yeah?" Spike didn't wait for an answer before kissing him again.
"Can I fuck you?" he asked after a long time of the two of them touching and kissing.
Xander just stared at him with glazed eyes. "Yeah. Yeah." He led Spike to his bedroom and rummaged around in the pile of stuff on the nightstand for the lube he knew was there somewhere.
Spike was naked by the time he found it, and Xander wasted no time in dropping his own clothes on the floor to mingle with Spike's.
Xander spread himself out on his bed in his best attempt at a come and fuck me pose. His efforts didn't go unrewarded; Spike knelt between his legs and pushed one of Xander's knees up and back, out of his way. He squeezed the lotion onto his hands and pushed one finger and then two and three into Xander.
On the fourth one, Xander reached up to grasp Spike's shoulders and pull him down. "It's enough," he said. "Now."
Spike pushed into him slowly. Xander could barely breathe.
"Good, yeah?" Spike asked.
Xander turned Spike's question around into an affirmation. "Good, yeah." He hooked his legs around Spike's hips and held him there. "Good."
Spike moved, and Xander lost all ability to speak. He could feel every inch of Spike's cock pushing into him.
It was too good for him to do anything but feel.
"Good," he whispered against Spike's temple after they'd both come. "So good. God, Spike." And then, "Don't," when Spike tried to move out of and off him.
Spike kissed him, and it was gentle, like the first time.
***
Spike's grip was gentle, too, when he took Xander's hand on the way to or from the house for a visit to Vivian.
Xander still waited until Spike was finished with whatever he was reciting before he came in to lean over the two of them in the rocking chair for kisses.
Spike gave him Vivian, and then pulled Xander down into his own lap. Xander laughed and settled himself and Vivian comfortably. Spike rocked them back and forth while Xander took his turn to talk to Vivian.
"Hey there, Vivian. How's my little girl?" He swung her up and brought her back down to press a noisy kiss onto her nose. "I love you." He kissed one cheek and then the other. "I love you more than anyone else in the whole wide world."
"More than Red?" Spike asked.
"Willow can be second." Xander chucked Vivian under the chin.
Spike hooked his chin over Xander's shoulder. "More than me?"
Xander turned and smiled at him, simple and happy. "You can be third." He kissed Spike until Vivian started gurgling up at him, and then he turned back around and talked and sang to her until Tara gently kicked them out so she could feed Vivian.
***
Buffy was the one to come get them one evening. It was oddly anticlimactic.
She took in the two of them and said only, "Willow said to tell you that dinner will be ready in five minutes."
Xander let out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding. "Do you think she's mad?"
"Don't know." Spike tucked his chin into Xander's shoulder. "Don't know much about her these days."
Xander reached up and wrapped his hand around the back of Spike's head. "And what if she is?"
Spike pressed his lips against Xander's neck. "I'm not going to walk out on you because it pisses the Slayer off."
Xander smiled. "Might even make you stay, huh?"
Spike's lips curved against his skin. "Might." He turned Xander's head and kissed him. "Might be other reasons I'd want to stay." He brushed his lips over Xander's cheek and then pushed him off his lap. "Don't wanna make the witches wait."
***
"What the hell is going on here?" Dawn asked when she found out. They hadn't been trying to hide it from her, but she wasn't around much and it was never the right time. And nobody really wanted to deal with the fallout. But they hadn't been trying to hide it, so when Xander felt like holding Spike's hand, he did it.
"Trying to find out what's been beating up your sister for the past week."
"That's not what I'm talking about."
From the corner of his eye, Xander saw Tara take Vivian back into the training room.
Seth, of course, chose that moment to put in an appearance. He wrapped his arms around her from behind and kissed her cheek. "Hello, love."
She shrugged him off. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"Dawn," Xander said. He brushed his thumb over the back of Spike's hand. "I love him."
"You--" Her outrage didn't let her get any farther, and she turned to Spike. "You--" Her second attempt came out more pleading.
"Bit."
"No." She took a step back and bumped into Seth. "Whatever it is, I don't want to hear it." She pushed off of Seth and stalked out.
"No, don't get up," Seth drawled, and he ambled his way out after her.
"That bastard," Spike swore.
"Spike," Xander said. Spike's grip was getting a little tight.
Spike blinked at him, and then he dropped Xander's hand as if it were covered in crosses, which wasn't any better. He swung his duster on over his shoulders. "Gonna patrol for a while."
Xander dropped his face into his hands. "That went horribly wrong."
"You probably should have told her," Buffy said, unsympathetic.
"Yeah, because then we could have gone through all this earlier and with more talking."
Willow sat next to him and put her arms around him. "It'll be okay."
Xander let himself lean into her embrace for a long moment before he went back to the book he was supposed to be using to find answers.
***
He was home, starting the dishwasher and turning out the lights, when Spike came in.
"Kill anything?"
"Yeah." Spike dropped his duster onto the coat rack. He came into the kitchen and kissed Xander, slow and so sweet. He maneuvered Xander into the bedroom, flipping light switches as they went, and blew him, perfectly, expertly.
He wouldn't let Xander return the favor. "Go to sleep, yeah?"
"You talk to her?" Xander asked sleepily.
"No."
Xander curled his hand around Spike's hip. "She's mad."
Spike kissed his hair. "She's an adult. She'll get over it."
Xander struggled against sleep. "I know you wanted--"
"Hush, now. None of that." Spike's hands roamed over his body in some kind of mystical pattern designed to make him sleep. "Wanted this, didn't I?"
***
Spike kept touching him all the way into the next day. He had his hand thoroughly buried in Xander's hair when Dawn came in. She stopped, and then turned her back on them and talked to Buffy. Seth swaggered in behind her and grinned broad thanks at them.
It got easier; even Dawn couldn't maintain that much anger for that long.
"We're transferring," she told them all defiantly a semester later. "Seth and I are going to San Diego."
***
"I'm not mad," Buffy said later. "Not at you." She hugged Xander to show she meant it. "Maybe it's time for her to go away from all this."
"From us."
"From all of us." She smiled sadly. "Maybe it's time for her to stop being the Slayer's little sister and just be Dawn. Hard to do in Sunnydale."
Xander rested his chin on the top of her head and said, "I'm sorry," anyway.
"Maybe she'll be better by spring break," he said to Spike later, while they were snacking on Fritos in front of sitcom reruns.
Spike slid his arm in between Xander's neck and the couch. "Could be."
***
Better was a relative term. When Dawn came home for spring break, she could look at them, but she still wasn't talking to them. By summer, she was only a little cool, and by the time she went back to school in the fall, things were almost normal in Scoobyland.
Tara got pregnant again, and they let Xander cut the cord. Matthew learned to walk, and Vivian started kindergarten. Willow sobbed against Xander's shoulder after they watched her walk into the classroom for the first time. Tara went to pick her up.
"I made a friend!" Vivian gave the picture she'd drawn to Willow and went to Xander to be picked up. "We're going to be best friends forever, like you and Mama Willow."
Spike never promised forever, but he hadn't left and Xander wasn't going to live forever.
--End--