Ruth Sadelle Alderson

I've had The New Bottoming Book and The New Topping Book, both by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy, on my to-read list for years, and sometime in the recent past, I bought both of them, and I finally got around to reading them.

I need to put a disclaimer on this review so you know where I'm coming from: I have an interest in kink - I read these partly out of personal interest and partly for writing research - but I'm not part of the kink community and I've never actually done anything kinky.

I read The New Bottoming Book first, and I sped through it. If you know anything about my interest in kink, that shouldn't be surprising. The New Topping Book took longer to read, and I found myself more and more annoyed with Easton and Hardy as the book went on. I'm not sure if that's because I was reading it with a more analytical eye or if that's because their biases really are more obvious in The New Topping Book than in The New Bottoming Book.

I think there's a lot of good information in both books, and there's a lot of opportunity for you to notice things you might like or dislike. (For example, they mention earplugs at one point, and I had a very visceral hell no reaction to that, which isn't something I ever would have thought of as a limit.) The books are complementary - each book covers different things, and each perspective would be useful to people whose interest lies with the other side of things - and I would suggest reading both if you're going to read one. The books are also very much from Easton and Hardy's perspective, and, despite their disclaimers that different people do kink differently, seem to be about their idea of what kink is. Some examples:

( Complaints )

It's also worth noting that the books are several years old - The New Bottoming Book was published in 2001 and The New Topping Book in 2003 - and that means some of their information, particularly concerning the internet, is quite out of date just because the world has changed so much in the intervening years. I found myself laughing at their explanation of websites: "These sites resemble magazines in many ways; they may feature pictures, text, and sometimes even video and audio, and they allow you to move from one page to another as your interests dictate."

Like I said, there is good information in both these books, but I'm not sure I'm glad I read them. I've occasionally thought about seeking out the local kink community, but by the time I finished The New Topping Book, I thought that if Easton and Hardy really are representative of the kink community at large, then finding that community is the last thing I want to do.

A friend quoted Pema Chodron at me and said Chodron was one of her favorite writers on Buddhism. I'd never heard of her, which led to two things: my mother bought me a copy of the issue of Shambhala Sun with Chodron on the cover, and I checked out The Pema Chodron Collection from the library. The book is actually three of Chodron's books in one volume. I skimmed through bits of the first two and they didn't catch my interest, but the third, When Things Fall Apart, did. I did enjoy it, and I think reading some of it on Thanksgiving helped me enjoy Thanksgiving dinner. I also kept thinking about something Gretchen Rubin often says: that she often learns more from one person's idiosyncratic story than from more general advice.

Those of you who've been around for a while know that I'm a fan of Gretchen Rubin's Happiness Project blog, and you may further know that I wasn't as excited about her first book on the subject, also titled The Happiness Project. She now has a second book on the topic, Happier at Home, which I was able to request from my local library much faster than I thought was going to be possible.

I liked Happier at Home much more than The Happiness Project. (Keep in mind that I read the first book two years ago, so it is possible this is a change in me more than a change in her.) I thought it was a more useful, concrete book. One of my problems with the first book was that I felt I didn't learn anything I didn't already know from the blog, where I didn't feel that way about this book. I've been reading her blog all the way through the time she implemented the happiness project for Happier at Home, and somehow that worked better for me with this book. I recognized things in the book that I'd read posts about on the blog, but instead of finding that repetitive, I got a thrill out of it, a little like I was an insider. I do still wonder how it would read to people who haven't read the blog - there were places where I could practically see the hyperlinks to previous posts that would explain her basic philosophy (and she did just post about her abstainers vs. moderators distinction in response to a lot of book tour questions about it), and there are patterns to how she talks about things that are familiar if you read the blog - but I think it would still be a useful book even if you aren't a regular reader.

As the title implies, the focus of the book is on being happier at home. As she usually does, Gretchen (side note: proper book review etiquette would involve using her last name, but I feel like I know her too well from her blog for that) breaks her project into several thematic areas that she then focuses on one at a time on a month by month basis. She then has four or five specific resolutions within each thematic area. I found the resolutions for this book much more concrete - and, in many cases, more widely applicable - than the ones in the previous book. I finished the first chapter on "Possessions" and put the book down to reorganize a nearly-unusable cabinet. I also finally threw away my broken umbrella (although I haven't yet replaced it).

There are three of her specific resolutions that I've been thinking about. The first is "give warm greetings and farewells." This is one of those resolutions that doesn't seem particularly applicable to me: I live alone, and I have people over about once every other month. However, we already have mandatory warm greetings at work: when someone comes into the main office area, everyone has to say hello to them before they can fully enter the room, and they have to go around and greet everyone individually (originally, the options were handshake, fist bump, or high five, but it's devolved to everyone just exchanging fist bumps). It really has made a difference in the attitude of our office, and it's exactly what Gretchen talks about: taking a moment out of whatever you're doing to greet someone. I've been trying to do the same thing when people leave for the day, although I have to admit I'm terrible about looking up from what I'm typing to say hello or goodbye.

The second resolution I've been thinking about is "make the positive argument." The idea behind it is what she calls "argumentative reasoning": "When a person takes a position, he or she looks for evidence to support it and then stops, satisfied." Gretchen specifically talks about this in the frame of her marriage: whenever she's upset and tempted to think something like, "Jamie isn't very thoughtful," she then thinks to herself, "Jamie is very thoughtful," and can come up with a lot of evidence to support that argument as well. "Make the positive argument" fits right in with a lot of similar advice about seeing the positive side of things, but it's one of those things that you hear over and over again, and then you're in the right place and it's said in just the right way that it sticks with you.

The third of her resolutions that I find interesting is "enter into the interests of others (within reason)." The basic idea is to take an interest in other people's interests by listening or asking questions: "entering into other people's interests is an important way to show respect and affection." I've been thinking about this in two ways. One is that I've been trying to be a better listener over the past few years, and paying attention to and asking questions about other people's interests (which is not something I'm good at, particularly the asking questions part) is one way to do that. The other is that one of my coworkers, who I don't know very well at all, brought in a craft project for us when it was her turn to lead our weekly teambuilding activity. One of the things I really liked about it as an activity was that she told us that the craft supplies she'd brought for us to use were just a small portion of the supplies she has, and that she has an entire room at home devoted to crafting. Crafting is very much not my kind of thing, but knowing that about her and seeing what kinds of things she brought in for us to use has made me feel much warmer toward her.

I would definitely recommend Happier at Home, and if you read it without having read the blog, I would especially love to know what you think about it. I liked it so much that I might actually buy myself a copy to have on hand for reference when it comes out in paperback.

A few months ago, I got an envelope that had been mailed book rate. I assumed, of course, that it was something from PaperBackSwap, but was cheerfully surprised when I opened it to find that instead lakeeffectgirl had gifted me with a copy of The Kid: A Season with Sidney Crosby and the New NHL by Shawna Richer. (Note: this is the second edition with an epilogue covering Sid's second season in the NHL; the first edition title was The Rookie.)

The book does precisely what it says: it covers Sid's first year in the NHL. It's somewhat useful as biography, but more useful, at least to the extremely new to hockey fangirl I was when I read it, as insight into how the NHL works. (It also led me to go read Wikipedia articles about both the rules of hockey and the labor dispute that led to the 2004-2005 lockout.)

The problems with it as a biography are twofold. First of all, Richer's original purpose in following Crosby around for a year was to write a series of articles for the Globe and Mail. I expect Richer cobbled together bits of that series into the book instead of starting over and writing the book from scratch. She has a tendency to repeat herself, and while the book as a whole is unfortunately underedited, there are a few patches that stand out as better writing, which I would guess are bits that were edited twice: once for the paper and once for the book. The second edition's epilogue only throws this into starker relief; it holds together as a coherent narrative, presumably because she wrote it all at once. The second problem with it as a biography is that by the second half of the book, Richer is trying really hard to make Sid interesting, which doesn't work for three reasons: Richer's writing isn't strong enough, Sid is too well trained in speaking to the media to let her get much more than his interview soundbites, and very few people, even if they are sports stars, are that interesting at age eighteen.

The shaky narrative structure and Richer's visible effort aren't the only problems with the book as a piece of writing. There's a lot of objectification that I found uncomfortable (one of the cringe-worthy lowlights is that she refers to Sid's "bee-stung lips" more than once). There is also Richer's tone, which is a specific sort of middle-aged heterosexual woman tone that had me drawing back from the book.

All of that makes it sound like I hated the book, which I didn't! As I said, it's a good look at how the NHL works, and there are some gems in it. I've been quoting the best bits on Tumblr (they lean heavily towards the end of the book, both because I didn't think to keep careful track of quotable things until I was halfway through and because the epilogue is the best writing in the book), and some of them are fascinating insights into Sid. If you're writing fic about him, this is probably a useful resource. If you're looking for excellent sports writing, you may want to try somewhere else.

I'm relatively sure I heard good things about Patti Smith's Just Kids from various sources, although the only one I remember is siryn99, so when I saw it in my mom's stack of books, I asked to borrow it. It floated around with me on a vacation and in my living room for quite a while before I finally sat down and started reading it.

The book begins with a foreword where Smith talks about learning of Robert Mapplethorpe's death. Starting with his death lends the whole book a sense of melancholy. Even as Smith tells us about meeting Mapplethorpe and lays out the foundations of their relationship, we know how it's going to end.

I didn't know anything about either Patti Smith or Robert Mapplethorpe when I started reading the book, so everything about their story was new to me. Smith drops a lot of names to establish the setting, and I didn't know who most of them were either. None of that detracts from the book. Even if I didn't know who they were specifically, I got the sense of who they were from Smith's placement of them in the story, and I got the sense of who Smith and Mapplethorpe were from her stories about them.

I know that it's the kind of memoir where Smith picked and chose the elements of the story she wanted to share, but what I really liked about the story she tells is how they push each other into what they end up doing: Smith keeps telling Mapplethorpe he should try photography and Mapplethorpe keeps telling Smith she should sing.

The pacing of the story is also interesting. Smith begins with a dreamy, emotional recounting of her growing up, which is intercut with a distant, factual account of Mapplethorpe's growing up. Since she's the author, we necessarily get more of Smith's story than Mapplethorpe's, even as time goes on. When they separate for short or long periods - there's a break of what seems to be something like a decade near the end of the book - the focus is still on Smith. As unbalanced as that might seem, it makes for a very focused emotional story.

The book ends as it began: with Mapplethorpe's death. I had to put the book down and cry my eyes out when I finished it. By that time, I'd gotten to know him, but more importantly, I'd gotten to know how Smith felt about him, and that feeling, that closeness and mutual artistic support, is what really makes the book.

When I was traveling in April, I read The Ethical Slut: A Pracitcal Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures, second edition, by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. The book is organized into four sections: "Welcome," "The Practice of Sluthood," "Navigating Challenges," and "Sluts in Love." The "Welcome" section is set up to introduce you to the very concept of polyamory, which made me laugh. I'm a fangirl; you don't need to convince me that polyamory is a possible way to live one's life. The other sections are more practical, full of advice and suggestions on how to live a polyamorous life.

There are three things I do want to talk more in depth about concerning the book as a book. ( Cut for length and a quote about sex. )

I'm not sure I would really recommend the book. It has a conversational tone that started to irritate me after a few chapters. I suppose the concepts in it are fairly radical if you're not used to reading a fair amount of threesome fan fic, and it probably is useful if you're actually in a poly relationship of some sort, but I think it just wasn't what I wanted from a book about polyamory. I may have to look through the books in their resources section, because I think more than a how-to, what I would find interesting is more of a look at people's different poly configurations.

I've been reading Gretchen Rubin's Happiness Project blog for over two years, and I've been wanting to read the book.

It took me a while to get into the book - I wasn't excited about the first two chapters (and actually kind of annoyed with her chapter about her marriage) - but I did end up liking it. I'm not sure how it is if you haven't read the blog. Because I read her blog, I'm used to her style and the connections she makes, but I'm not sure they hold up quite as strongly if you don't already know all of her lists.

Structurally, if I'd been her editor, I would have made her split chapter 6 (June) into two separate chapters: one about June and one for the second half of the chapter where she does a six-month check-in.

If you read her blog, you know that she advertises that "I'm much more forthcoming in my book than I am on my blog. I call my family members by their true names. I talk about juicy episodes that I've never mentioned here. I reveal a very major fact about my life that I've never discussed on my blog." For those of you who, like me, find that mildly irritating, here are some ( spoilers. )

Overall, I liked the book, but I don't know that I learned anything - other than details of Gretchen's life - that I hadn't learned from the blog. (Where I have, indeed, learned a lot.)

I said I was going to let this project go for now, but I did promptly check out nonfiction from the library. This book is from a hundreds category I've already read in this year, so it gets classified as a bonus book.

This week I read Snoop: What Your Stuff Says About You by Sam Gosling. The premise of the book is that you can tell a lot about a person by their space. He specifically looks at what are known as "the Big Five:" "the most extensively examined - and firmly established - system for grouping personality traits." The five are openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism, which he says you can remember by the acronym OCEAN. He has a very short version of a test to measure it in the book, and he refers to an online version you can take. (I did both versions. I'm high on conscientiousness, average on agreeableness, and low on neuroticism, openness, and extraversion.)

As usual, what I didn't like about the book was that it wasn't what I expected. I expected it to be a more concrete field guide to examining other people's spaces. At the end of the book, he does specifically tell us what he learned about two people's offices. But most of the book is focused more on personality research. You can tell he's an academic writer; while there are bits that are more casual and entertaining, there's a lot of "so and so at X university did research and found out this thing."

I did start thinking about what my spaces say about me. Take my desk at work, for example. I have three decorative personal items (I also have two things of lotion, but let's focus on the more interesting things): a small picture frame with my happiness commandments is right up against one of my monitors, my Serenity promo postcard is to the right of them a bit, and my Princess Protection Program calendar is on the wall to the right of that. One of the things he talks about in the book is looking to see how personal people's decorations are to see how much separation they have between their work selves and their home selves. If you didn't know about fandom, you'd think the promo card and the calendar are very impersonal, but if you do know, then you realize they're actually signs of integrating my selves into my spaces.

He does touch on the ways your expertise can affect your interpretation: "When I look through a woman's apartment and see a tube of lipstick, I see a tube of lipstick. Many women looking at the same evidence would see a tube of MAC lipstick, or Covergirl lipstick, or . . . well, as a reflection of my low level of cosmetic expertise, I have already run dry on lipstick brands."

It was an interesting book, and I'm definitely going to start paying more attention to people's spaces - although it seems like being able to carry the book around as a reference (there are a lot of charts and tables and such) would make snooping easier.

This month's nonfiction book was Style Statement: Live By Your Own Design by Carrie McCarthy and Danielle LaPorte. I'd heard of it before from Gretchen Rubin's Happiness Project blog, and then I was reading Unclutterer a couple of weeks ago and it showed up there too, so I requested it from the library.

The style statement concept is a two-word statement that "defines your authentic self." The first word is your 80% foundation word - "the core of who you are, your essential self" - while the second is your 20% creative edge - "how you express and distinguish your being." I like some of these kinds of inner self inquiry things and hate others, so I wasn't sure how I would like Style Statement. I was in the right frame of mind for it yesterday, and I ended up really liking it. I think you're probably supposed to work through the inquiry exercises over time and very thoughtfully; I did them in a few hours and didn't let myself think about it too hard. (More on my experience in the next entry; this one is just about the book itself.)

There were some things that bothered me about the book, namely that it's very, very privileged. Carrie says, "Because I believe so strongly in equality, interior design made me uncomfortable at times," but then they offer this advice later in the book: "As for getting expert support, don't let limitations such as time or money stand in your way. Getting help frees up time." That's great advice if you have the money to spend in the first place. The people they chose to profile are all equally privileged, and I had the thought that like Po Bronson's What Should I Do With My Life? the profiles say more about who the author knows than any universal truths about the subject. The people they profiled are nearly all white, and there is some really problematic use of terms like "primitive" and "tribal" as well as some cultural appropriation issues with some of the Look & Feel descriptions of the foundation words. It's very, very gendered. I did love that one of the two couples profiled is a gay couple, and I loved that they said more and more loving things about each other in their profile questions than the straight couple. There is one woman who I think might be a lesbian, but that might just be because she was the one I was most attracted to.

I also have a book design quibble: the print in much of the book is in a fairly light brownish-gray. More contrast would make it easier to read.

Having said those things, if either self-inquiry or fashion is your thing, you'll probably like this book.

Reading
I want to get back in the habit of reading books. As I mentioned in my 2009 wrap-up post, I pretty much stopped reading books in October. I have a job now, so I'm much less anxious about how I use my time. I started reading a lot at my old job because I would take a book with me and read at lunch. Now I come home for lunch, so I end up reading my email and LJ instead. I think I'll have to take to reading on weekends and some evenings again. As part of this, I'm going to continue to read at least one nonfiction book and one book by a PoC author every month. I don't even have to rely solely on the library for my book needs: not only do I still have money left on the Barnes & Noble gift card I got when I left my old job, but my parents also gave me a B&N gift card as part of my Hanukkah present.

Dance
I really want to dance more often. I love it when I do it. It's just doing it every day that seems to be a problem for me. I'm having trouble identifying the problem here, so I need to either put some more thought into it or just do it more often. I'm also planning to go back to ballet in February, depending on my budget.

Writing
My specific writing goals for 2010:

• Finish and sell the novel. If I really keep to my goal of 200 words per day on weekdays and 1000 on the weekends, I should be able to finish it in about four and a half months.


• Start/write the next novel. (I'm already setting it up in the first one.)


• If I finish both of those, then start the five-novel series I already have notes and some character names for. (This is really a "when," not an "if;" the "if" portion is only about the time period.)


• Finish the Mike/Kevin story. I have no idea where it's going, which is making this harder.


• Finish the Chris/Steve space AU. I do know what happens next, and I don't think there's much left of the story.


• Finish or give up on the Fuck City boywives AU. I got stuck because I didn't know enough about Ryan, Kyle, and Stu, but if they're really going to keep up with the podcast and get publicity for Burning Empires, then they might solve that problem for me.


• As I mentioned in my December wrap-up post, I started an actor!Gabe/director!Victoria AU. I like the idea of actually writing the rest of it. The other large fan fiction project I keep thinking about tackling is the Leighton/Vicky-T Good Girls Go Bad AU, which I'm also entertaining the idea of writing as an original story. Given how my planned writing works out, I will probably end up writing some other kind of epic fan fic instead.