The law of unintended consequences, bra shopping, and the big fat revolution. (A Personal-Political

[rsadelle]

And I don't want to be told, "Yes you're fat, but you're beautiful on the inside." That's just another way of telling me that I'm ugly, that there's no way that I'm beautiful on the outside. Fat does not equal ugly, don't give me that. My body is me. I want you to see my body, acknowledge my body.
--Nomy Lamm, "It's a Big Fat Revolution"

Nomy Lamm's "It's a Big Fat Revolution" was the first piece of feminist writing that I ever read where I felt, "Yes! She's writing about my life." On rereading the essay, a lot of it is not about my life. She talks a lot about the punk scene and about being "the Girl Who Talks About Fat Oppression." However, she also talks about being "the Fat Girl," and about rejecting the idea that fat is "'inherently bad' (and I can't even believe I'm writing that--'inherently bad'--it sounds so ridiculous)," and that's what I've always identified with.

My body is me. The place she doesn't go that I always have with this idea, is not just a rejection of mind-body duality, but also a recognition that who I am is shaped by my experiences and my interactions with other people, and those experiences and interactions are absolutely influenced by the fact that I live in this body, and not some other body.

You may remember my chore chart. I started the chore chart because I wanted to get into a regular exercise schedule. I found that when I didn't exercise at all for the two weeks over Christmas, I felt horrible. I truly do love my body, and I've decided I need to do a better job of taking care of it, which means regular exercise and fewer artificial preservatives. I also find that exercise is a self-perpetuating habit. I want to be able to better do the yoga asanas, so I practice them at home. I want to be better at belly dancing, so I practice at home and I lift weights. (Walking and swimming are just fun and relaxing, especially when I'm mad.)

For belly dance costuming, I need a bra that "can stand up by itself." Every time I've tried on an underwire bra, the underwires have dug into my flesh when I twisted or bent or did anything that wasn't sitting/standing straight up. However, when I went to try on bras for belly dance, I found one at Penney's that was a lightly padded underwire bra, and it was amazingly comfortable. I bought it and wore it for a regular day of my life to make sure it really was that comfortable. It was so comfortable that I went back to Penney's last week to see if they had any more in my size. In the midst of this clothes shopping, I also tried on skirts in what I thought was my size. They fell right off my hips.

I finally realized the unintended consequence of my exercise chore chart: I've lost weight. (I don't know how much; I don't own a scale.) Underwire bras are comfortable because I'm actually smaller around. All my pants are too big. The swimsuit I bought in February will probably be too big by the time it's really warm enough to go swimming. Upon realizing this, I promptly made a batch of cookies and had frozen yogurt for dinner. I didn't make the conscious connection until a few days later.

Fat, thin, soft, hard, puckered, smooth, our bodies are our homes.
--Abra Fortune Chernik, "The Body Politic"

...I know this is how my body is supposed to be...
--Nomy Lamm, "It's a Big Fat Revolution"

I had been the same height and weight, give or take about five pounds, since seventh grade. That was my body, and I was used to it and I loved it. Finding myself suddenly in a different body freaked me out.

Today I was standing outside of work and I caught a glimpse of myself in the window and thought, "Hey, I don't look that fat!" And I immediately realized how fucked up that was, but that didn't stop me from feeling more attractive because of it.
--Nomy Lamm, "It's a Big Fat Revolution"

I bought a dress that's a style I never would have even tried on before. I've lost enough weight to bring me down a whole size in some clothes. I'm enjoying my expanded clothing options, and I feel horribly guilty for it. I should, I think, still be angry about the lack of options for women who wear a size 18 or above and angry about the culture that tells us in every way, right down to our clothing options, that we're wrong, unlovable, unattractive, unworthy if we weigh "too much." Instead, I'm secretly delighted that I get to try on clothes in a smaller size and in a different department. I'm excited about my options. And I feel horribly guilty for it.

Of course, I'm angry, too. There's a financial aspect to all this that I've never really considered. I just replaced my entire winter wardrobe in the fall--all my clothes were fraying around the edges--and now I have to replace my entire summer wardrobe, which is otherwise still perfectly good. Despite all the shopping and shopping and shopping my mom's done as she's lost weight over the last couple of years, I never made the connection that repeated rewardrobing is yet another negative financial impact of the weight loss industry for women.

Time goes by quickly. One day we will blink and open our eyes as old women. If we spend all our energy keeping our bodies small, what will we have to show for our lives when we reach the end?
--Abra Fortune Chernik, "The Body Politic"

I'm also angry because people are going to start noticing, and they're going to say, "Have you lost weight? You look great." I have hated this every time anyone has ever said it to me. I understand that they genuinely mean it as a compliment, but the implication is that I only look good because I've lost weight and that I've put energy into doing it, which is somehow supposed to be good. I don't know how to politely tell people that their good wishes go against one of my deepest held personal-political beliefs. I already feel guilty and ungenuine when I don't speak out when people around me talk about dieting and about hating their bodies. I don't know how to say anything about either of these things in the moment.

True revolution comes not when we learn to ignore our fat and pretend we're no different, but when we learn to use it to our advantage, when we learn to deconstruct all the myths that propagate fat-hate.
--Nomy Lamm, "It's a Big Fat Revolution"

Comments

[haleth.livejournal.com]

I don't know if you ever met Melissa - she moved to Reno in December. She used to be about the weight I am now, and she lost quite a bit of weight before she moved. I did comment on it once. I said, "hey! You've lost weight." Why I felt the need to comment, I don't know. It was just an observation, people like to be noticed, she was probably losing on purpose - I don't know. And she thanked me, and I felt a bit strange because I hadn't meant it as a compliment, just a value-neutral observation.

I noticed you'd lost some, and I haven't commented because, I think, of that other experience. I figured you'd take it as a compliment, and I wouldn't mean it that way, and it seemed like saying anything would make you think I thought it was an improvement.

[rsadelle]

I don't think I met Melissa.

I appreciate that you totally get it.