2010 Dewey Decimal Project: 158.1 M

This month's nonfiction book was Style Statement: Live By Your Own Design by Carrie McCarthy and Danielle LaPorte. I'd heard of it before from Gretchen Rubin's Happiness Project blog, and then I was reading Unclutterer a couple of weeks ago and it showed up there too, so I requested it from the library.

The style statement concept is a two-word statement that "defines your authentic self." The first word is your 80% foundation word - "the core of who you are, your essential self" - while the second is your 20% creative edge - "how you express and distinguish your being." I like some of these kinds of inner self inquiry things and hate others, so I wasn't sure how I would like Style Statement. I was in the right frame of mind for it yesterday, and I ended up really liking it. I think you're probably supposed to work through the inquiry exercises over time and very thoughtfully; I did them in a few hours and didn't let myself think about it too hard. (More on my experience in the next entry; this one is just about the book itself.)

There were some things that bothered me about the book, namely that it's very, very privileged. Carrie says, "Because I believe so strongly in equality, interior design made me uncomfortable at times," but then they offer this advice later in the book: "As for getting expert support, don't let limitations such as time or money stand in your way. Getting help frees up time." That's great advice if you have the money to spend in the first place. The people they chose to profile are all equally privileged, and I had the thought that like Po Bronson's What Should I Do With My Life? the profiles say more about who the author knows than any universal truths about the subject. The people they profiled are nearly all white, and there is some really problematic use of terms like "primitive" and "tribal" as well as some cultural appropriation issues with some of the Look & Feel descriptions of the foundation words. It's very, very gendered. I did love that one of the two couples profiled is a gay couple, and I loved that they said more and more loving things about each other in their profile questions than the straight couple. There is one woman who I think might be a lesbian, but that might just be because she was the one I was most attracted to.

I also have a book design quibble: the print in much of the book is in a fairly light brownish-gray. More contrast would make it easier to read.

Having said those things, if either self-inquiry or fashion is your thing, you'll probably like this book.

Style Statement: Is this me?

I had this grand plan yesterday that I was going to get a lot of things done, and I did get a fairly large number of them done, but then I got distracted by reading justthisfic's Snips and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails, which I recced to friends as "trans Brendon," and she describes as "genderqueer fic." It made me cry, in a good way. It also meant that I was already in a space where the question of who you really are was on my mind when I started reading Style Statement.

Here's how the style statement exercises work: there are eight sections meant to represent different parts of your life. Each section has a series of inquiry questions. First are the "what works well for me" questions, followed by a "filter & interpret" section that asks you to look at what's "important and intriguing," "themes," and "words, images, or feelings." Then there's the "what does not work well for me" section, followed by the same filter and interpret questions. I did each of the eight sections on a sheet of paper.

Some of it wasn't surprising. My idea of home and stuff is light and uncluttered, which I knew.

Some of it amused me by how well it fit into an 80/20 split. My fashion and sensuality page is all about simple, soft, clean lines, kind of businessy (what's working in my wardrobe: polo shirts, v-necks, two of my skirts, new socks; what's not working in my wardrobe: jeans, scoop necks). But then for "Even though it's completely out of style or over the top I secretly love . . . because:" section, I said, "miniskirts, because I like my legs, like feeling them bare." In the "If money were no object I would go out today and shop for" section, I have "pants (not jeans), dress shirts (stretch, no-iron), skirts," and then sex toys. For "important/intriguing," I wrote down, "comfortable, businessy, sexy edge."

Some of it was surprising. I still have this high school idea of myself as smart, intellectual, rational, inflexible. When I looked at my spirit and learning, relationship and communication, and service and wealth pages, it's all about love and close relationships. Fandom and women showed up all over the place. My answer for "My purpose in life is:" was "to write, to be there for my closest friends, to be a good friend."

Once you've done each section, you write down all of the "outstanding words and themes" from each section, then narrow it down to "three to five words that have the strongest resonance and attraction for you," then write out synonyms for each of those words.

My five words: light, love, simple, stories, comfortable.

Love resonated so strongly with me, but it doesn't describe physical things, which your foundation word has to be able to do. The format for their definitions of foundation words is to describe the spirit, then the look and feel, and then they have a series of words in italics. In the profiles in the book, the creative edge word is the one that get the italics. I didn't really want to read all of the foundation word definitions, and none of the ones in the profiles felt right, so I started skimming the italicized words for one that included love. The italicized words for "Graceful" included love, compassion, kindness. I wrote "Graceful?" down as a synonym for love.

In the next step, you write down the three or four possible words in two identical columns: the left is your foundation word possibilities, the right is your creative edge word possibilities.

My four words: understated, graceful, simple, comfortable.

In the back of the book, they have a chart of the most common foundation words arranged in ways that similar words are near each other. Understated, graceful, simple, and comfortable make a C around natural.

Then you cross out anything that couldn't describe a material object or doesn't feel like it could be 80% of your life from the left column. Then you cross out any word that's still in the left column from the right column. Then you play around with combinations until you find the right one.

The only one I crossed out from the left column was comfortable, because it showed up all over my pages, especially in physical areas of my life, but their definition for it just didn't feel like 80% of my life. It's a good fit for the 20%, though, because "Comfortable is the consummate pleasure seeker. Physical comforts are paramount, and sensual gratification is a fundamental part of their lives." That sexy edge fits right in there.

I like the ideas of understated and simple, but their definitions just weren't right either.

I kept coming back to "graceful." I don't think of myself as graceful. But.

Grace/Graceful/Gracious

Spirit: Greek mythology tells of sister goddesses of joy, charm, and beauty called the three Graces. Graceful is poised and dignified and, at her best, is a giving, generous spirit who seeks to impart kindness and dignity. Love is her fuel; goodwill is her motivation and guide. Graceful prefers meaning and substance but will practice courtesy and compassion rather than forcing her views about a situation. Graceful has a sense of fit and propriety, a craving for balance and good form and proportion. She adores harmony and material and immaterial luxury - from finery to leisure. Rooted in feminine power, Graceful has a quiet and steady confidence. She endeavors to make everything special in the most considerate and ultimately charming ways, and she tends to make it all look effortless.

Look & Feel: Adroitness, agility, allure, attractiveness, balance, beauty, cleanliness, ease, elegance. The proper fit and hang. Flow, warmth, comfort, harmony. Shapeliness, smoothness, style, suppleness, symmetry.

attentive, benefaction, blessing, breeding, caritas, charity, compassion, consideration, cultivation, decency, dignity, divinity, etiquette, favor, finesse, finish, forgiveness, form, friendly, generosity, goodwill, invocation, kindness, love, mercy, poise, polish, prayer, propriety, tact, tastefulness, thanksgiving, royalty

It seems like too much, but they say, "This is not the time to be modest, act small, or fear grandiosity," and, "If you feel yourself shying away from words that seem 'too big' or 'too special,' then it's time to expand your perspective." It doesn't fit who I still think of myself as being, but it fits who I'm trying to be. It fits the part where love was the most important word that came out of all of the sections. It feels more right than "understated" or "simply." That brought me to this style statement:

Graceful Comfort
What's funny is that there's the part where it seems like too much, and then there's the part where it seems so boring. It reminds me of the intense training where I was fascinated with the interesting woman who worked with teenagers at the Model U.N., but really connected with the quiet urban planner. I've been thinking recently about how I don't think I'm that interesting or special. But then I think about my friends who don't think they're anything special when really they're amazing, which makes me think I'm special and amazing too and I just don't see it in myself. Maybe I'm just special and amazing in a quiet, comfortable way instead of in a flashy way.

They say the style statement is supposed to be your true self, and that it should work for you indefinitely, possibly for a lifetime. I don't know if I would have come to the same answer ten years ago. I wonder how much of that is that I've changed and how much of it is that I've allowed myself to be who I truly am rather than who I think I should be. I wonder if this will still work for me in ten years.

Here's where I ask you: Does Graceful Comfort sound like me?

Snippet: Permission (girl!FOB, Matt/Andy, FRM, 740 words)

Warning: Could be triggering (some guy grabs Andi; she kicks his ass).


( Permission )